Shakin' The Scene

      From The New Yorker comes this consideration by Adam Gopnik of "the life" of Shakespeare, ostensibly in a review of Stephen Greenblatt's Will In The World.   (A portion of Greenblatt's book was modified and published in the NYTimes on Sunday-- of course, just in time for the new movie, focussing on "the Jewish question.") Gopnik's is a surprisingly good discussion (though perhaps too long to read comfortably online), though I suspect he lets Greenblatt off the hook a little too easily for some of his more awkward speculations; I shouldn't speculate myself as I haven't read Greenblatt's book yet, but SG is one of those radically-polarizing figures in contemporary literary criticism, and I've landed far more often than not on the opposite side of his New Historicist way of thinking.   His Renaissance Self-Fashioning, hailed by some as a landmark text, is also held by some of us as a pissing in the academic pool, so colour me wary-- not uninterested, but certainly a bit trepidatious. I'm more inclined to splurge on Kermode's most recent volume.   Hmmm.   We shall see....

      In a related matter, some of you might enjoy the absurdity of trying to get through this young woman's attempt to put Hamlet into a more popular idiom -- that of the "Shakespeare impaired." (Key words of hers: "Blame Willie Shakespeare, not me!") Check out some of these jaw-droppers:

• Hamlet: Yikes! Creepy! Are you a good or a bad spirit? Are you from heaven or Hell? Well, since you came in the shape of my late father, I'll talk to you. Hi, Dad. Answer me! Why did you come out of the grave? And why are you in armor? You're scaring everyone! Why Dad? Why?
  
  
• Hamlet, To Being or Not To Being: Do I really want to live? Should I go on like this, being miserable, and try to beat my enemies? Or should I just kill myself and get it all over with? Life sucks. I wish I was dead. Death is like a nice, long nap. But the problem is, what if I dream of horrible things? It's definitely something to worry about. If there wasn't anything to fear in the afterlife, why would anyone suffer through his rotten existance [sic]? Why deal with life's troubles when it all could be solved with a dagger? No reason...unless something bad might lie beyond the grave. No one comes back from the dead to tell us what it's like, so we go on living and being unhappy. Sigh. Man, I'm depressed. But...whoa, check it out. There's Ophelia!
  
  
• The Ghost: That jerk is insulting the whole of Denmark by what he's done. And he's sleeping with my wife! That's what really irritates me! But don't harm her. Leave your mom alone. Let heaven deal with her. Well, it's almost sunrise. I've got to go. Good-bye! Remember me!
  
  
• Horatio: If you're looking for woe, agony and tragedy, you've found it.
  
  
• This priceless exchange between Gertrude and Laertes after Ophelia's death: Queen: There is a willow tree that grows by a brook. She came there with all kinds of elaborate flower garlands. There were crowflowers, nettles, daisies, and long purples, (you know, the kind that shepherds have a dirty name for, but which young ladies just call "dead men's fingers".) Anyway, she hung her flowers on the tree, but the branch broke and she fell into the stream. The air in her clothes kept her afloat for awhile. She looked like a mermaid, singing snatches of old tunes. She didn't seem to realize she was in danger. She acted like she belonged there in the water. But she didn't belong there, and before long the air seeped out of her clothes and she was pulled underwater, and she went down to a muddy grave.
  Laertes: Then...she drowned?
  Queen: Duh! That's I just said! Weren't you listening?
  
  
• Hamlet, in The Bedroom Scene: Father! Look, there's his picture on the table. He's standing next to Uncle Claudius. You'd never know they were related, though. Father was a real stud, a regular old Greek god, the perfect guy. This was your husband. And then look at what happened. There's your new husband, who looks like he's been bludgeoned with an ugly stick! Can't you see? You traded Leonardo DiCaprio for Meatloaf! And you can't tell me you're in love with him. You're so old I'm surprised you can still have sex. I used to think you were a smart person, but even I, a madman, can see how wrong this is! Shame on you! You slut!
  Queen: Shut up! You have a point, but I don't want to hear it!
  

The real killer is this section (IV.v), which had me laughing despite myself:

[Ophelia wanders in, distracted.]
Ophelia: Where is the beauteous Majesty of Denmark?
Queen: Here. How are you, Ophelia?
Ophelia: [Sings.] La dee dah de dah! It's like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day! La dee dah de dah! It's down the end of Lonely Street, it's Heartbreak hotel! La dee dum!
Queen: Alas, poor dear, what does this song mean?
Ophelia: What did you say? Never mind, just listen! Whee! [Sings.] It's the story of a lovely lady, who was bringing up three very lovely girls! Tra la la dee dah! Mary had a little lamb... Dum dee dah dee dum! La la la la Bamba! Hee hee! Memory, all alone in the moonlight! La dee dah de dum!
Queen: Uh...Ophelia...?
Ophelia: Shut up and listen! [Sings.] Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts! La dee dah! Welcome to the Hotel California! Whee! When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are! Hee hee hee! Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be! Do re mi fa sol la ti do! Doe, a deer, a female deer! Ray, a drop of golden sun!
[Enter King.]
Queen: Geez, dear, check out poor Ophelia! She's gone totally mad!
Ophelia: [Sings.] Twinkle, twinkle, little star! How I wonder what you are! Doo bee doo bee doo! Strangers in the night! Lah de dah! Monday, Tuesday, Happy Days! Hee hee! Whee! Hakuna Matata! It's our worry-free philosopy! Hakuna Matata!
King: Are you okay, Ophelia?
Ophelia: Well, they say the owl was a baker's daughter. Your Majesty, we know what we are, but know not what we may be. Yippee yi ki yi!
King: Are you upset about what happened to your father, Polonius?
Ophelia: Oh, don't mention that. Now, everybody sing! [Sings.] And Iiiiiiiiiiii-yi-yiiiiiiiii will always looooooooovvvve you! Ooh ooh ooh ooh! R E S P E C T, find out what it means to me! When a man loves a woman...! La dee dah! So no one told you life was gonna be this way! Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A.! Doo bee doo bee doo! Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you! That is how I know you go on! Rawhide! Gettum up, movem out! Rawhide! Everybody, sing!
King: You're right, honey, she is nuts!
Ophelia: I sure am! Totally nuts! Whee! [Sings.] Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive! Whoah oh oh oh, stayin' alive! Stayin' alive! Hee hee! Figaro, Figaro, Figaroooooooh! Do re mi fa sol la ti do ti la sol fa mi re do! Maria! The most beatiful sound I ever heard! Maria! Say it loud and there's music playing! Hee hee! La dee dah! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Dum dee dum dee dum! Play that funky music!
King: How long has she been like this?
Ophelia: I hope everything turns out okay, but someday we'll all die. I will be able to lie by my dear father in the cold ground and get eaten up by worms. Yipee! Have you told my brother Laertes that Father is dead? Well, anyway, I've got to be going. Taxi! Good night, ladies. Good night, sweet ladies. Good night, good night.

   Hakuna matata....      You've got to love Claudius' imposed line: "You're right, honey, she is nuts!" Hilarious. Talk about going from the sublime to the ridiculous....