Tonight On FOX

      If only. Then again, it couldn't possibly be any worse than that spectacle on the weekend, the Nick and Jessica Variety Hour, a show could tolerate for only seconds at a time, and only for those because of, well, er, ahem. Hey, I couldn't help it: there's something strange mesmerizing about those things. I imagine, though, that Goldie Hawn was watching from some secluded enclave and thinking, "And I thought we were corny!" (Followed of course by Arte Johnson piping off some silly repose.)

      Conversely, Alias kicked ass on Sunday. Oh, Melissa George is so devilishly sexy.... But I digress. I was rather impressed by the way in which George's character has stayed a step ahead of everyone (even if they're all in on her complicity now), holding together like Hitchcock heroine; indeed, there's an extent to which she brings a kind of Grace Kelly look to an Eva Marie Saint part. Sunday's episode was a good return to form for the show after some increasingly stilted episodes, including a shoulda-been-a-shocker appearance by Peggy Lipton last week. Yes, I think, all considered, "kicked ass" is the appropriate critical term. Take that, Stephen Greenblatt.

      And on this TV theme, those you who've actually been watching the singularly-vapid The Apprentice might enjoy this. This blog is quick to note the obvious rhyme that the C-I-C should have caught right away: ponderosa. Duh. It's okay, though, George, we understand, you had your mind otherwise distracted; next time, send Colin Powell to sing for you. Tom Jones' Sex Bomb, perhaps?