Phoney Baloney

Received this story from RK and thought it worth sharing here with this note: now you know why Doctor J will go to his worm-infested grave having never owned a cell-phone. Cheers.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Jaguar dealership and saw the new 2004 models.
I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$95,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Reminds me of an old joke, longer and much more insidious:

A wealthy businessman away on business checks into his hotel room and decides to call home and check in with his wife. After several rings, a male voice answers the phone.

Voice: Hello?

Businessman: Ah, yes, hello. Who is this?

Voice: This is the gardener, sir.

Businessman: Ah, yes. Is the lady of the house in?

Voice: I'm not sure, sir. I'll check, sir.

The businessman sits idly on the phone, waiting for someone to return, rolling his eyes and awkwardly picking things out of his wallet.

Voice: Yes, sir, the lady of the house is in, but, sir, she can't, well, she can't come to the phone right now.

The businessman, clearly frustrated after his trip and insistent on speaking with his wife, gets testy and decides to remind the gardener who's really in charge.

Businessman: I don't care what she's doing, can you get her to come the phone right now, please.

Voice: But sir....

Businessman: I don't care. I don't care what she's doing, just get her to the phone right now.

Voice: But sir... I'm sorry to say this but [his voice lowers to a whisper] I am afraid that lady is, well, she is in bed with another man.

Stunned, the businessman sits in silence, wrestling with his jealousy and imagining his wife in sexual performance with another man.

Voice: Sir.... sir, are you there? are you okay?

After a long pause, he grits his teeth and returns to the conversation.

Businessman: Yes, I'm here.

His wallet now cast aside and his hand become a first in rage, he summons himself to respond to the news.

Businessman: Can you hear me? If you want to keep your job, and if you want to put your kids through college, you'll do what I tell you. Do you know where my study is?

Voice: Yes, sir.

Businessman: Go there, and go into the second drawer on the left side of my desk. In there is a gun. I want you to get it and go and shoot my wife and that bastard that's with her. And then come back to the phone.

Voice: But sir....

Businessman: Do you hear me? I can make your life very easy or I can make it very, very hard. Do you understand me? Do it. Now.

Voice: [after a short, defeated pause] Yes, sir....

The businessman hears the phone plunk down on a table, and a mild shuffle of footsteps. Then a few creaks and cracks amid the mostly silence of a moment or two before he hears two loud shots being fired. Then more creaks and cracks, and the sound of heavy footsteps after another moment or two of waiting. Then the voice returns, panting heavily and in obvious distress.

Voice: It's done, sir.

Despite the tremble in the voice on the other end of the phone, the businessman sighs, realizing the completion of his revenge. Slightly satisfied, but suddenly a bit worried about how to handle matters, he composes himself with a kind of careful but heavy-handed clinicism.

Businessman: Well done. Okay, okay. Now, tell me, what did you do with the gun?

Voice: Sir, I'm sorry, I was in such a shock I threw it out of the window into the pool outside. Should I go get it?

Businessman: Pool? Pool?!? Wait a second, is this 765-9842?

I know, I know...