20 April 2004

Mass Appeal


      From the "Oh, That Clears Everything Up" file, there's this story that's enough to make even the most devout turn agnostic. The most stunning thing is this:
"There are certain things that happen which are not sexual but could be interpreted that way," Laird said.
Well, now how could anyone have misunderstood? It as just an innocent case of bondage and manipulation. I get it now. Whew, that's a relief. And remember children: Father knows best.

19 April 2004

Hey, Darlin', Watch The Teeth....,
               or Gimme Some O' That London Derrière


      Anyone remember the old commercials, "If a man suddenly gives you flowers, that's Impulse"? Well, here's the techno-savvy version which you all know had to happen sooner or later. Check out the "Doh!" statement at the end of the article: "Flirting is fun, sex is fun. We're just employing expensive, complex toys to find the most basic form of entertainment." Suddenly my general Luddism feels like something to sport as a badge of honour. Can we say "naff gits," boys and girls? I knew you could.

Such Modest Attainments


You've got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight. --- Bruce Cockburn, "Lovers In A Dangerous Time"

      Just a brief note: remember those notes that I made up for my students? Well, it turns out more of them read them and used them than I expected. How do I know this? In part because some of them thanked me for them (always nice to hear), but also because it's apparent that a lot of my charges made ample use of the "if only" aspect of tragedy that I outlined in the notes, something we had discussed in class but which seems to have developed a new life cycle in the exams. That idea seems to have been the canoe many of them chose to float themselves to shore. Ah, well, it's at least comforting that the whole riggamarole wasn't pointless.

      Oy. Why am I blogging so profusely today? Yes, I'm procrastinating big-time. Like any job, this is always the worst part: the inevitable paperwork. *shrug*

The Apocryphal Shakespeare?


      This list just boggles the mind. I am so glad it's not in my purview to have to deal with such historical conundra. I'd probably end up like Lear rending my clothes and howling at the sky. The Keatsians and Sidneyans and Rimbaldians are lucky in this regard: the short lifespans of the writers keeps relatively the minimal the amount of available material to wade through, as complicated as their lives may be. Shakespeare, Dickens, Tolstoy, Yeats, Graham Greene: those guys would be nothing less than nightmares for completists. This blog, however, would like to affirm its conviction that what the academy needs right now is to live through a good revision of the Ern Malley story. Hey, Woj, sound like a project for us? Sure, it would mean going through a bunch of postmodern junk-poetry, but it'd be fun, oh, so much fun.

      Yes, I am evil, but harmlessly so. Moreorless, anyway.... ;-)

Dutch Treat


      Cool.

Colin Mockery


      I doubt it's much surprise to anyone that the Bush administration's reaction to the new book by Bob Woodward has been to attack and otherwise to sully Colin Powell: Powell has for some time been the voice of caution and sensibility in the Dubya cabinet, to be trotted out when grasping for international credibility but ignored the rest of the time. Powell's known as one of the more intelligent -- and publicly-respected-- figures in government, and so I suspect the administration's campaign against one of its own will backfire. Words to John Kerry and Colin Powell: Colin, quit, soon; John, ask Colin to run as Veep on your ticket. I'm not sure Powell would accept, but if he did, there might be a significant tectonic shift within the political centre as maybe, just maybe, people start to realize they need sensible government rather than the current idiotic Boris and Natasha leadership of Cheney (short for "chicanery") and Rumsfeld ("Donny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling..."). And no, I'm not implying that Dubya is Fearless Leader. I'm saying it outright.

      Sidebar: It never ceases to amaze me the dramatis personae of the cast of Bush critics: Paul O'Neill, General Anthony Zinni, John effing Dean (!), Richard Clarke, and (implicitly) Colin Powell (among many others), all-together as eclectic a group imaginable. How deaf, dumb and blind do you have to be to support the Dubster? Even Helen Keller would have recognized the hopelessness of this cadre by now.

Doctor J Assures You That This-- For Once-- Was Not Him


      Now just imagine what might have happened if there had been a wardrobe malfunction. C'mon, your country has the word "lay" in its name: savour the coincidence! (He says, noticing that "Canada" has the word "nad" in it, which really is better left entirely alone.)

      Oh Lord, I'm flashing back to being described, by a former-student and pub-mate with only a slight tinge of irony, as "the Mack Daddy." Hilarity, sweet, humiliating hilarity, though I'll leave the degree of factuality of this to your imaginations. I'll merely say that as a repeat offender, I'd have probably been caned in Malaysia by now. Check this out, though. Etymology, what a wonderful thing.

      ~~I'm the same boy I used to be....~~      (Right, Zozo?)

A Valediction: Forbidding Morning


      It's worth observing in relation to this that in my eight years of teaching at the university level, I have NEVER taught a class that wasn't first thing in the morning (8.30 or 9.30) or last thing in the afternoon (4.30), a polarity of fates too cruel to discuss here. But as an insomniac who has had more than his fair share of early classes as both a graduate, an undergraduate, and a teacher, I say this: fuck 'em, the bloody whiners. Suffer like the rest of us. All-nighters toughen you up like worn leather. People today need some toughening up. Where the hell is Howard Hawks when we need him? Grumble, grumble. Yes, the world should have to suffer exactly as I have been forced to suffer because I'm a cynical, mean-spirited and vengeful God. ;-)

Testament of Youth


      So much for snakes and snails and puppy-dog tails. This story would make Diogenes smile.

She Was Bored...


      Or so Christie tells me in explaining why she made up these little icons that I'll eventually include on my template when I'm not asea in marking (or perhaps when I just can't take the idea of marking a moment longer and desperately need something to distract myself from the task). The first one, obviously, is for her site, the middle three for this "site" (as much as this page deserves to be called that), and the last, well, the last should be added to just about any site run by someone tragically disconnected with said institution. On last, feel free to read the word "institution" in any way you see fit. Receiving these, though, I am now convinced. Christie didn't move her site for her own reasons; she really is trying to get me to change my template. ;-)

All Things Christie, or Mere Crazed-tianity

Doctor J's

Doctor J's

Doc J's


yorkhater.gif


Thanks, bratto. This blog now feels all-equipped. :-)

18 April 2004

Sez Them...


      From Premiere Magazine, here are -- supposedly-- "The 100 Greatest Movie Characters of All Time." You can see the original list, complete with all their deandy little hyperlinks here. Some omy cynical remarks can be found in italics.

The Complete List

1. Vito Corleone of The Godfather (Come on... Number One?!?!?)
2. Fred C. Dobbs of The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
3. Scarlett O'Hara of Gone With the Wind (Fiddle-dee-fucking-dee.)
4. Norman Bates of Psycho
5. James Bond of Dr. No (I thought they said "character" and not caricature.)
6. Annie Hall of Annie Hall (Wha????????? I say, Whaaaa????)
7. Indiana Jones of Raiders of the Lost Ark
8. Ellen Ripley of Alien (Oy.)
9. Jeff Spicoli of Fast Times at Ridgemont High (Give me a break.)
10. Gollum of Lord of the Rings (Meh.)
11. Margo Channing of All About Eve (Good call.)
12. Charles Foster Kane of Citizen Kane (Okay, getting better.)
13. Atticus Finch of To Kill a Mockingbird (Okay, okay.)
14. Randle McMurphy of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Meh.)
15. Hannibal Lecter of The Silence of the Lambs (Oh, Jesus...)
16. Robin Hood of The Adventures of Robin Hood
17. Dorothy Gale of The Wizard of Oz (Bleah!)
18. Carl Spackler of Caddyshack (Say what!?!?!?!? Who made this list?)
19. Rick Blaine of Casablanca (Right on.)
20. Virgil Tibbs of In the Heat of the Night
21. Susan Vance of Bringing up Baby
22. Travis Bickle of Taxi Driver
23. Eathan Edwards of The Searchers
24. The Little Tramp of Mabel's Strange Predicament
25. Gordon Gekko of Wall Street (Yawn.)
26. E.T. of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial ("Eliot, Eliot, I'm standing on my testicles!")
27. Marge Gunderson of Fargo (A quirky choice, but one I respect.)
28. Captain Quint of Jaws
29. Daphne/Jerry of Some Like it Hot
30. King Kong of King Kong
31. Norma Desmond of Sunset Boulevard (Now she should have been MUCH higher on this list.)
32. Holly Golightly of Breakfast at Tiffany's
33. Ratso Rizzo of Midnight Cowboy
34. Bonnie Parker of Bonnie and Clyde
35. Dr. Evil of Austin Powers (I've got a big bag of Shhhh for the guys that made this list.)
36. Alex Forrest of Fatal Attraction (Groan.)
37. Jake Gittes of Chinatown (Okay.)
38. Willy Wonka of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (I think it's time you gave me another break.)
39. Michael Dorsey/Dorthy Michaels of Tootsie
40. The Terminator of The Terminator (Oh, fuck the hell off.)
41. Jane Craig of Broadcast News
42. "Dirty" Harry Callahan of Dirty Harry
43. Forrest Gump of Forrest Gump (This list is like a box of chocolates... Fulla brown stuff.)
44. Jules Winnfield of Pulp Fiction (Blah.)
45. Mary Poppins of Mary Poppins
46. John McClane of Die Hard (Yippy-cayay, muthafuckers...)
47. Mrs. Robinson of The Graduate (Right. On.)
48. John "Bluto" Blutarsky of Animal House (Another break, please?)
49. Chance the Gardener of Being There (YES!)
50. Blondie of The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
51. Freddy Krueger of A Nightmare on Elm Street (Oy effing vey.)
52. Howard Beale of Network (This is a great call.)
53. Ninotchka of Ninotchka
54. Frank Booth of Blue Velvet
55. The Dude of The Big Lebowski
56. Alan Swann of My Favorite Year (Another quirky choice, and another good one.)
57. Tom Powers of The Public Enemy
58. Phyliss Dietrichson of Double Indemnity
59. Lt. Kilgore of Apocalypse Now
60. George Bailey of It's a Wonderful Life (Fair enough. But what about Clarence?)
61. J.J. Hunsecker of Sweet Smell of Success
62. John Shaft of Shaft (What tha funk?)
63. Carrie White of Carrie (Jiminy willikers!)
64. Rocky Balboa of Rocky (Double jiminy willikers!)
65. Edward Scissorhands of Edward Scissorhands
66. Navin Johnson of The Jerk (Alright, go away now.)
67. Inspector Clouseau of The Pink Panther
68. Alex DeLarge of A Clockwork Orange (Oy.)
69. Terry Malloy of On the Waterfront
70. Judy Benjamin of Private Benjamin (I'm verklempt.)
71. Rev. Harry Powell of The Night of the Hunter (Good call.)
72. Lloyd Dobler of Say Anything
73. Norma Rae of Norma Rae
74. Tony Montana of Scarface (Possibly the most overrated character in film history.)
75. Dr. Strangelove of Dr. Strangelove
76. Tony Manero of Saturday Night Fever (Bite me. Seriously.)
77. Annie Wilkes of Misery
78. "Mad" Max Rockatansky of Mad Max (I now have road rage.)
79. Hans Beckert of M (Good one.)
80. Sam Spade of The Maltese Falcon (Why the HELL is he so far down this list?)
81. Aurora Greenway of Terms of Endearment (Hi, I'm Shirley MacLaine, and I'm a neurotic mess.)
82. Jack Torrance of The Shining (All work and no play make Jack a hammy actor.)
83. William Cutting of Gangs of New York
84. Darth Vader of Star Wars (The Force is weak with this one.)
85. Stanley Kowalski of A Streetcar Named Desire (Another unfair demotion.)
86. Melanie Daniels of The Birds (Tippi. Hedren. Oy.)
87. Captain Jack Sparrow of Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (Oh, come on. It's a good comic turn, nothing more. If anything, it's Johnny Depp doing Peter O'Tools doing Allan Swann.)
88. Raymond Babbitt of Rain Man (No.)
89. Sandy Olsson of Grease (No, no, no.)
90. John Malkovich of Being John Malkovich (No, no, no, no, no; a great movie, but one of the greatest characters of all time? Mehtinks not.)
91. Mrs. Iselin of The Manchurian Candidate (Alright, this DESERVES to be here. Angela Lansbury at her *intentionally* creepy best.)
92. Dil of The Crying Game (Meh. Seems an overstatement.)
93. Harry Lime of The Third Man (Good choice. His cuckoo-clock line is a classic.)
94. Rose Sayer of The African Queen
95. Oda Mae Brown of Ghost (Back da fuck up, girlfriend....)
96. Tommy DeVito of GoodFellas (Meh.)
97. Ace Ventura of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (Okay, this is WAR.)
98. Antoine Doinel of The 400 Blows
99. Kevin McCallister of Home Alone (Okay, this is NUCLEAR WAR.)
100. Roger "Verbal" Kint of The Usual Suspects (Retreat to DefCon 3.)
So, who do I think is missing from the list? Hmmmm..... so many....
  • Colonel Nicholson, The Bridge On The River Kwai
  • Jefferson Smith, Mr. Smith Goes To Washington
  • T. E. Lawrence, Lawrence of Arabia
  • Juror No. 8, Twelve Angry Men
  • Lord Hidetora, Ran
  • Lady Kaede, Ran
  • Bob Harris, Lost In Translation
  • Will Kane, High Noon
  • Sanjuro, Yojimbo and Sanjuro
  • Tom Joad, The Grapes of Wrath
  • Fagin, Oliver Twist
  • Rev. Harry Powell, Night Of The Hunter
  • Mortimer Brewster, Arsenic and Old Lace
  • Teddy Brewster, Arsenic and Old Lace (Hell, most of the characters from this movie could fit on this list somewhere.)
  • Roger O. Thornhill, North By Northwest
  • Harry Caul, The Conversation
  • Popeye Doyle, The French Connection and The French Connection II
  • Cosmo Brown, Singin' In The Rain
  • Capt. Hank Quinlan, Touch of Evil
  • Mr. White, Reservoir Dogs
  • Fast Eddie Felson, The Hustler and The Color of Money
  • Waldo Lydecker, Laura
  • the D'Ascoygne Family (all played by Alec Guinness, so they all seem like one character, in a way), Kind Hearts and Coronets
  • Sir Wilfrid Robarts, Witness For The Prosecution
  • Marvin Udall, As Good As It Gets
  • Hedley Lamarr, Blazing Saddles
  • Max Bialystock, The Producers
  • Willie Stark, All The King's Men
  • Laura Jesson, Brief Encounter
  • Connie Summer, Unfaithful
  • Antonius Block, The Seventh Seal
  • Professor Kingsfield, The Paper Chase
Oh, I could go on forever (and perhaps almost have). Further proof, though, that such lists are ultimately quite useless and that they serve more to stir anger than to offer a genuine assessment. Any particular additions, mes amis?


Randall Jarrell


      He's moreorless ignored these days, especially within the academy, despite his body of poetry and criticism, and despite too being a mentor of Robert Lowell, but Jarrell's a poet worth turning to every now and again. Here are a few poems of his that most of you have probably never read or even heard of before.

Children Selecting Books In A Library

With beasts and gods, above, the wall is bright.
The child's head, bent to the book-colored shelves,
Is slow and sidelong and food-gathering,
Moving in blind grace ... yet from the mural, Care
The grey-eyed one, fishing the morning mist,
Seizes the baby hero by the hair
And whispers, in the tongue of gods and children,
Words of a doom as ecumenical as dawn
But blanched like dawn, with dew.
The children's cries
Are to men the cries of crickets, dense with warmth
-- But dip a finger into Fafnir, taste it,
And all their words are plain as chance and pain.
Their tales are full of sorcerers and ogres
Because their lives are: the capricious infinite
That, like parents, no one has yet escaped
Except by luck or magic; and since strength
And wit are useless, be kind or stupid, wait
Some power's gratitude, the tide of things.
Read meanwhile ... hunt among the shelves, as dogs do, grasses,
And find one cure for Everychild's diseases
Beginning: Once upon a time there was
A wolf that fed, a mouse that warned, a bear that rode
A boy. Us men, alas! wolves, mice, bears bore.
And yet wolves, mice, bears, children, gods and men
In slow preambulation up and down the shelves
Of the universe are seeking ... who knows except themselves?
What some escape to, some escape: if we find Swann's
Way better than our own, an trudge on at the back
Of the north wind to -- to -- somewhere east
Of the sun, west of the moon, it is because we live
By trading another's sorrow for our own; another's
Impossibilities, still unbelieved in, for our own ...
"I am myself still?" For a little while, forget:
The world's selves cure that short disease, myself,
And we see bending to us, dewy-eyed, the great
CHANGE, dear to all things not to themselves endeared.

Cinderella

Her imaginary playmate was a grown-up
In sea-coal satin. The flame-blue glances,
The wings gauzy as the membrane that the ashes
Draw over an old ember --as the mother
In a jug of cider-- were a comfort to her.
They sat by the fire and told each other stories.

"What men want..." said the godmother softly--
How she went on it is hard for a man to say.
Their eyes, on their Father, were monumental marble.
Then they smiled like two old women, bussed each other,
Said, "Gossip, gossip"; and, lapped in each other's looks,
Mirror for Mirror, drank a cup of tea.

Of cambric tea. But there is a reality
Under the good silk of the good sisters'
Good ball gowns. She knew... Hard-breasted, naked-eyed,
She pushed her silk feet into glass, and rose within
A gown of imaginary gauze. The shy prince drank
A toast to her in champagne from her slipper

And breathed, "Bewitching!" Breathed, "I am bewitched!"
--She said to her godmother, "Men!"
And, later, looking down to see her flesh
Look back up from under lace, the ashy gauze
And pulsing marble of a bridal veil,
She wished it all a widow's coal-black weeds.

A sullen wife and a reluctant mother,
She sat all day in silence by the fire.
Better, later, to stare past her sons' sons,
Her daughters' daughter, and tell stories to the fire.
But best, dead, damned, to rock forever
Beside Hell's fireside-- to see within the flames

The Heaven to whosee gold-gauzed door there comes
A little dark old woman, the God's Mother,
And cries, "Come in, come in! My son's out now,
Out now, will be back soon, may be back never,
Who knows, eh? We know what they are--men, men!
But come, come in till then! Come in till then!

The Breath of Night

The moon rises. The red cubs rolling
In the ferns by the rotten oak
Stare over a marsh and a meadow
To the farm's white wisp of smoke.
A spark burns, high in heaven.
Deer thread the blossoming rows
Of the old orchard, rabbits
Hop by the well-curb. The cock crows
From the tree by the widow's walk;
Two stars in the trees to the west,
Are snared, and an owl's soft cry
Runs like a breath through the forest.
Here too, though death is hushed, though joy
Obscures, like night, their wars,
The beings of this world are swept
By the Strife that moves the stars.
And then there's the little poem of his that almost everybody has read at some point or another, usually in high school:

The Death Of The Ball Turret Gunner

From my mother's sleep I fell into the State,
And I hunched in its belly till my wet fur froze.
Six miles from earth, loosed from its dream of life,
I woke to black flak and the nightmare fighters.
When I died they washed me out of the turret with a hose.
I remember once liking that last poem, but it's since become to my mind a kind of patchwork pastiche of Ezra Pound and Siegfried Sassoon. There's a sadness to the fact that sometimes an accomplished writer should mainly be remembered for a poem that is by no means near his best. It'd be as if we only remembered Shakespeare for The Merry Wives of Windsor. I suppose this is how Alec Guinness felt, being remembered primarily for being Obi-Wan Kenobi. *shrug* Hopefully, though, a few of you might search Jarrell out. Yes, this is one of this blog's primary duties-- beyond making puerile jokes and pointing to myriad examples of human stupidity-- to expose my readers, as much as possible, to writers that we tend to neglect or to forget. Sadly, even were I to teach a course on Modernism, Jarrell would have to be sacrificed (as Johnson would have to be sacrificed from a Victorian course), but that doesn't mean he should fall into oblivion, either.

      This leads me to an axiom entirely (I think, anyway) of my own invention: A society, or a culture, is only as great as its minor poets. Dare I suggest that by this standard we live in a very poor culture, indeed? We have some very fine poets-- Strand, Heaney-- but in terms of "quite good" minor poets, we're staggeringly understocked. Food for thought. Just remember to chew.

Danger, Robinson Crusoe, Danger!


      Received this from RK today, and got a kick out of it: great new combined books. This blog challenges any of you to come up with your own versions. In the interim, this blog will imagine what The Way of All Lolitas would be like....

How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying


      This blog's favourite bit from this piece: "Oh, and I’ll make sure I remember to stroke it while I’m back there smooching your ass too." See if you read that sentence the same way I read it at first...

Straight Away


      First thing that came to this blog's mind upon reading this story: the bartender in Star Wars, pointing at R2-D2 and C-3P0 and saying, "We don't serve their kind here."

He Offered His Honour...


      ... it seems in the hope he'd be on her and off her.

      Before you say it, objection overruled.

"Get Ready For Very Little"


      RK, if no one else, should find this of interest: Catherine Deneuve has a volume of diaries coming out, diaries, however, that are eliciting some rather unkind responses from critics. The former link has some good quotes in it, though, including this one: "The French like their literature to resemble their cassoulet - thick as a brick, and somewhat indigestible." See also Gerard Depardieu's description of Mme Deneuve as "the man I’d like to be."

      Those of you unfamiliar with Mme Deneuve should check out her filmography. Some of you may remember her from her peculiar appearance in The Hunger lo those years ago with Susan Sarandon and that great thespian -- ack!-- David Bowie. That film still makes me, er, uncomfortable. It's too bad, though, that there seems to be a snowball's chance in Hell of her doing films in English that might do her justice. Her last film to get attention outside of French-speaking markets was probably Indochine in 1993, for which she was nominated for an Academy Award (admittedly as the dark horse in that race). At almost sixty, she seems to have matured more than she's aged-- and she's certainly a better actress now than she was in her ingènue days.
Catherine Deneuve

As Legally Moot As The Mooning of A Cow


      A brief to the Supreme Court of the United States of America by God, Esq. One problem: evidently God's grammar is imperfect (i.e., fallible). To wit: "attempting to emphatically distance itself." There's something all too ironic about God splitting an infinitive. Let's hope Loki and Bartleby don't notice.

I Bet He Has A Tiny Diagonal


      This week's column by Dave Barry is a hoot. This reminds me that I should correct the link here for Dave's blog. I'll eventually change it on the template when I get my lazy ass around to it.

      Speaking of address changes, I see Christie has moved her site. Damn, it seems everybody's on the march. Either that, or everbody's nudging me to update my template. Bastards, the lot of ye. ;-)

17 April 2004

A Long Day's Journey Into Night


      Oy, it's off to torture my little'uns. Good gawd, I *cannot wait* for 10:00 to roll around. We shall see how my charges fare. Do I sound trepidatious? Well, I am. *fingers crossed* And then: fun, fun, fun (till Daddy takes my T-bird away...) as I get to-- deep, deep breath-- MARK their labours. Tonight shall be odd, though. I haven't been drinking at Da Bull on a Saturday since I was, oh, probably nineteen. Nineteen. Certainly not more than twenty. It boggles the mind.

      Hopefully, my wee ones will kick the exam's ass. Contrary to what many think, teachers do not want their students to do badly on exams. Bad exams = painful marking. Anyway, it's time to make myself away to Pork Spew. Oh, the joy, the rapture, the imperishable bliss!

      Okay, I will cease such facetiousness. Right. About. Now.

Lonely, Amid The Living Crowds As Dead


      After reading a quite brilliant post by RK on his site, I followed a link to the poem "The Church of a Dream" by the Victorian poet Lionel Johnson (1867-1902). It's a poem of which I'd never heard (though I had read Johnson some years ago for one reason or another), and it's lovely, particularly the last two lines. It made me dig through some of my anthologies to dig up other Johnson poems, in part because it seemed to me so odd that I'd never come across that poem, and to my surprise the poem was not to be found anywhere. It's worthwhile, though, to invoke some of the other poems by Johnson, a poet almost never taught anymore and almost certainly one of those poets bound to fall through the cracks in one's reading. Some of you may find the religiousity of some of the poems discomforting, but I'd suggest that any such discomfort is more a problem on your (our?) part than Johnson's. So, be patient with him, and in some of the poems you might find some lovely imagery and some fine phrasing that is all too rare these days.

Mystic And Cavalier

Go from me; I am one of those, who fall.
What! hath no cold wind swept your heart at all,
In my sad company? Before the end,
      Go from me, dear my friend!

Yours are the victories of light: your feet
Rest from good toil, where rest is brave and sweet.
But after warfare in a mourning gloom,
      I rest in clouds of doom.

Have you not read so, looking in these eyes?
Is it the common light of the pure skies,
Lights up their shadowy depths? The end is set:
      Though the end be not yet.

When gracious music stirs, and all is bright,
And beauty triumphs through a courtly night;
When I too joy, a man like other men:
      Yet, am I like them then?

And in the battle, when the horsemen sweep
Against a thousand deaths, and fall on sleep:
Who ever sought that sudden calm, if I
      Sought not? Yet could not die.

Seek with thine eyes to pierce this crystal sphere:
Canst read a fate there, prosperous and clear?
Only the mists, only the weeping clouds:
      Dimness and airy shrouds.

Beneath what angels are at work? What powers
Prepare the secret of the fatal hours?
See! the mists tremble, and the clouds are stirred:
      When comes the calling word?

The clouds are breaking from the crystal ball,
Breaking and clearing: and I look to fall.
When the cold winds and airs of portent sweep,
      My spirit may have sleep.

O rich and sounding voices of the air!
Interpreters and prophets of despair:
Priests of a fearful sacrement! I come,
      To make with you mine home.
                                                (1889)

The Precept Of Silence

I know you: solitary griefs,
Desolate passions, aching hours!
I know you, tremulous beliefs,
Agonized hopes, and ashen flowers!

The winds are sometimes sad to me;
The starry spaces, full of fear:
Mine is the sorrow on the sea,
And mine the sigh of places drear.

Some players upon plaintive strings
Publish their wistfulness abroad:
I have not spoken of these things,
Save to one man, and unto God.
                                                (1893)

The Age Of A Dream

[sometimes dedicated "To Christopher Whall"]

Imageries of dreams reveal a gracious age:
Black armour, falling lace, and altar lights at morn.
The courtesy of Saints, their gentleness and scorn,
Lights on an earth more fair, than shone from Plato's page:
The courtesy of knights, fair calm and sacred rage:
The courtesy of love, sorrow for love's sake borne.
Vanished, those high conceits! Desolate and forlorn,
We hunger against hope for that lost heritage.

Gone now, the carven work! Ruined, the golden shrine!
No more the glorious organs pour their voice divine;
No more rich frankincense drifts through the Holy Place:
Now from the broken tower, what solemn bell still tolls,
Mourning what piteous death? Answer, O saddened souls!
Who mourn the death of beauty and the death of grace.

                                                (1890)
And then there's this poem, a beautiful, sad, haunting piece, which for reasons beyond immediate explanation I admire greatly and thinkn probably more powerful now than it was when it was written, especially in this day and age in which we fortify ourselves against the past with callousness and indifference. The poem was written with an elegaic quality, but it seems to me its mourning is stoic in its own, and more powerful for its memorial of an era more acute to subtlety. Maybe it's me, but I see a correspondence here between the sad woman of Johnson's poem and the singing women in Wallace Stevens' "The Idea of Order at Key West" and Conrad Aiken's The Divine Pilgrim. Whether the latter two poets were rewriting Johnson, I do not know. The beauty of Johnson's poem is its simplicity; even the most immature undergraduate could read this poem and gather its meaning, or so I'd like to think, however naively.

A Stranger

To Will Rothenstein

Her face was like sad things: was like the lights
Of a great city, seen from far off fields,
Or seen from the sea: sad things, as are the fires
Lit in a land of furnaces by night:
Sad things, as are the reaches of a stream
Flowing beneath a golden moon alone.
And her clear voice, full of remembrances,
Came like faint music down the distant air.
As though she had a spirit of dead joy
About her, looked the sorrow of her ways:
If light there be, the dark hills are to climb
First: and if be calm, far over the long sea.
Fallen from all the world apart she seemed,
Into a silence and a memory.
What had the thin hands done, that now they strained
Together in such passion? And those eyes,
What saw they long ago, that now they dreamed
Along the busy streets, blind but to dreams?
Her white lips mocked the world, and all therein:
She had known more than this; she wanted not
This, who had known the past so great a thing.
Moving about our ways, herself she moved
In things done, years remembered, places gone.
Lonely, amid the living crowds as dead,
She walked with wonderful and sad regard:
With us, her passing image: but herself
Far over the dark hills and the long sea.

                                                (1889/97)
More of Johnson's poems-- including a few of the ones included here-- can be found at this site. See also some his more explcitly "Irish" poems here and here. It's a humbling post-script to note that Johnson died at 35, only a mere five years older than myself. I really need to stop observing such things.

      More happily, though: there's precious little better than rediscovering a poet one had long-forgotten, or a poet one had not adequately appreciated before.

16 April 2004

That's A Wrap, People


      Kitten-killers everywhere will be disappointed. Seriously, though, do they really think a short moritorium is going to prevent anything? Given what we do know about the virus (which isn't much), three months is not long enough to ensure it's been isolated and that the contacted have not been infected. And correct me if I'm wrong, didn't the industry go through this same scenario not too long ago? This would be farcical if there weren't real lives at stake.

The Canonic Verses


      Well, that grand ole literary crank is at it again, this time with the rather mightily-titled "The Best Poems Of The English Language: From Chaucer To Frost." Info on the book at Amazon can be found here. Bloom's a critic always to be taken with a grain of salt, but he's also a critic one ignores at one's own peril. I'll be curious to see what he does with the poems, even if I'm more than sure much of his commentary is as acidic as grapefruit juice.

      This blog will not even bother to speculate what Naomi Wolf's reaction to the book will be. ("It touched my thigh when I set it in my lap and now I'm scarred for life.") Okay, I did speculate. Sue me.

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'


      God his ass is swollen.... Rawride....

      (Seriously, how desperately bored do ya have to be?????)

Waiting To Inhale


      Take this, Puritans! (Dr J is a member of Raleigh's party, and Imperial Brands knows it.)

I Coulda Been A Contenda!


      Alas, the road not taken. *pout*

15 April 2004

The Play, I Remember, Pleased Not The 1.5 Million


Quarto Edition of Hamlet
      Now, if I'd had a few million pounds stashed around the house, I sure as hell would not have let this happen. I'm shocked. At least it gives me another kick at the can (maybe). My project: if I gigolo myself out for $50 bucks a head, that'll be.... Oh. Crap.

      Alright, the line starts here. Ladies only, please....

      (First person who makes a remark about me not being worth $50 will be appropriately throttled, bitch-slapped, and either castrated or clitoridectomized as the situation sees fit. And, yes, we thank you for your support. )

*Hiccup* Kill Me. *Hiccup* Kill Me. *Hiccup* Kill Me.


      Okay, not much of a post for today, but it's now official: I am insane. I've now written well over 4000 words today for my kids, trying to piece together some sort of coherent system of notes for them on a bloody broad mish-mash of material. Worse, I still haven't done the Romances yet. I am an idiot! How did I get myself into this? Why do I bother, especially when I know full-well 80% of them won't even bother looking at them, let alone read them. Because I made a promise. Ugh. Flurking, fucking idiot. Never, ever again.

      Any of you with some bizarre or twisted sense of masochism can see my notes (completely unedited, and certainly rife with typos and the like) here (Part I) and here (Part II). No promises as to their interest-value or their quality.

      (And, yes, I know: "hiccup" should be "hiccough," but I'm tired and I'm lazy. So there. )

      Update: Why the hell can't I bring myself to write Part III? Ugh.

      Uppidiestdate: Fuck. No way I can finish the third part in time for mes élèves and stand even a shot in hell of getting their papers marked in time. Oh well. It's only the romances left undiscussed, and, besides, I'm relatively sure the whole damned exercise was a bloody waste of time. *shrug* Exam tomorrow evening. Now what kind of bureaucratic fucknut schedules an exam at 7pm on a Saturday night? Key-riced. Worse, this means making the trip to Pork Spew on a Saturday when the buses are as regular as... no, I won't name names. Life bites serious goat cock, even if the weather is finally becoming quite lovely. And yes, I am very cranky right now, as my proliferant cursing should suggest. Grrrr. Arrrgh. April is the stupidest month.

14 April 2004

Phoney Baloney


Received this story from RK and thought it worth sharing here with this note: now you know why Doctor J will go to his worm-infested grave having never owned a cell-phone. Cheers.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Jaguar dealership and saw the new 2004 models.
I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$95,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
astonishment. Then he asks:
"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Reminds me of an old joke, longer and much more insidious:
A wealthy businessman away on business checks into his hotel room and decides to call home and check in with his wife. After several rings, a male voice answers the phone.

Voice: Hello?

Businessman: Ah, yes, hello. Who is this?

Voice: This is the gardener, sir.

Businessman: Ah, yes. Is the lady of the house in?

Voice: I'm not sure, sir. I'll check, sir.

The businessman sits idly on the phone, waiting for someone to return, rolling his eyes and awkwardly picking things out of his wallet.

Voice: Yes, sir, the lady of the house is in, but, sir, she can't, well, she can't come to the phone right now.

The businessman, clearly frustrated after his trip and insistent on speaking with his wife, gets testy and decides to remind the gardener who's really in charge.

Businessman: I don't care what she's doing, can you get her to come the phone right now, please.

Voice: But sir....

Businessman: I don't care. I don't care what she's doing, just get her to the phone right now.

Voice: But sir... I'm sorry to say this but [his voice lowers to a whisper] I am afraid that lady is, well, she is in bed with another man.

Stunned, the businessman sits in silence, wrestling with his jealousy and imagining his wife in sexual performance with another man.

Voice: Sir.... sir, are you there? are you okay?

After a long pause, he grits his teeth and returns to the conversation.

Businessman: Yes, I'm here.

His wallet now cast aside and his hand become a first in rage, he summons himself to respond to the news.

Businessman: Can you hear me? If you want to keep your job, and if you want to put your kids through college, you'll do what I tell you. Do you know where my study is?

Voice: Yes, sir.

Businessman: Go there, and go into the second drawer on the left side of my desk. In there is a gun. I want you to get it and go and shoot my wife and that bastard that's with her. And then come back to the phone.

Voice: But sir....

Businessman: Do you hear me? I can make your life very easy or I can make it very, very hard. Do you understand me? Do it. Now.

Voice: [after a short, defeated pause] Yes, sir....

The businessman hears the phone plunk down on a table, and a mild shuffle of footsteps. Then a few creaks and cracks amid the mostly silence of a moment or two before he hears two loud shots being fired. Then more creaks and cracks, and the sound of heavy footsteps after another moment or two of waiting. Then the voice returns, panting heavily and in obvious distress.

Voice: It's done, sir.

Despite the tremble in the voice on the other end of the phone, the businessman sighs, realizing the completion of his revenge. Slightly satisfied, but suddenly a bit worried about how to handle matters, he composes himself with a kind of careful but heavy-handed clinicism.

Businessman: Well done. Okay, okay. Now, tell me, what did you do with the gun?

Voice: Sir, I'm sorry, I was in such a shock I threw it out of the window into the pool outside. Should I go get it?

Businessman: Pool? Pool?!? Wait a second, is this 765-9842?
I know, I know...

Whoa.


      More news on B.C. campuses. Will be interesting to hear the follow-up on this.

Drawn And Quartoed


      The Associated Press is always quick on the news. This blog will continue on its smug little way. :-)

Holy Mac Flecknoe, Batman!


      Indeed, indeedy-do, this blog is now one year old. Whoda thunk it? This blog is as shocked as everyone else is.

      Sorry, there's not likely to be much updating today. I absolutely must finish my remarks for my kids in the next several hours even if, frankly, I'd rather be doing just about anything else, including exfoliating my face with steel wool and Comet. And before any of you say it: I know, I know, it wouldn't make a difference, anyway. Smart alecks. Regardless, a few words on this silliness spring to mind:

All Things Can Tempt Me

All things can tempt me from this craft of verse:
One time it was a woman's face, or worse--
The seeming needs of my fool-driven land;
Now nothing comes but readier to the hand
Than this accustomed toil. When I was young,
I had not given a penny for a song
Did not the poet sing it with such airs
That one believed he had a sword upstairs;
Yet could be now, could I but have my wish,
Colder and dumber and deafer than a fish.

--- William Butler Yeats (1909, from The Green Helmet And Other Poems)
Oh, if only verse came so ready to the hand, this blog a partial and sometimes snide replacement, but I still end up wishing I were colder and dumber and deafer than a fish. Taken all in all, I'd rather be tempted. But like Frost's ice, this blog is also great and must suffice. Kick it, Van:

~~Tore down à la Rimbaud
And I wish my writing would come
Tore down à la Rimbaud,
You know it's hard some time,
You know it's hard some time.
~~

13 April 2004

I Saw The Sign


      "And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them." (Revelation 9:6) This, my friends, is the stuff of which Leonard Cohen songs are made.

Diana's Dustmen


      What people will do to get rid of those damned fruitcakes....

Tonight On FOX


      If only. Then again, it couldn't possibly be any worse than that spectacle on the weekend, the Nick and Jessica Variety Hour, a show could tolerate for only seconds at a time, and only for those because of, well, er, ahem. Hey, I couldn't help it: there's something strange mesmerizing about those things. I imagine, though, that Goldie Hawn was watching from some secluded enclave and thinking, "And I thought we were corny!" (Followed of course by Arte Johnson piping off some silly repose.)

      Conversely, Alias kicked ass on Sunday. Oh, Melissa George is so devilishly sexy.... But I digress. I was rather impressed by the way in which George's character has stayed a step ahead of everyone (even if they're all in on her complicity now), holding together like Hitchcock heroine; indeed, there's an extent to which she brings a kind of Grace Kelly look to an Eva Marie Saint part. Sunday's episode was a good return to form for the show after some increasingly stilted episodes, including a shoulda-been-a-shocker appearance by Peggy Lipton last week. Yes, I think, all considered, "kicked ass" is the appropriate critical term. Take that, Stephen Greenblatt.

      And on this TV theme, those you who've actually been watching the singularly-vapid The Apprentice might enjoy this. This blog is quick to note the obvious rhyme that the C-I-C should have caught right away: ponderosa. Duh. It's okay, though, George, we understand, you had your mind otherwise distracted; next time, send Colin Powell to sing for you. Tom Jones' Sex Bomb, perhaps?

A Douchebag For Comedy


      So, Doctor J, what's the dumbest thing you've read today? Glad you asked. Look no further.

Bubblin' Crude


      Dick Cheney will be ecstatic.

Hey Diddle Diddle


      That headline seems innocent enough until you read this.

      ~~I'm on a highway to hell....~~

Paulie Wanna Cracker?


      I know that most of you that come to check out this blog don't give much more than a rat's derrière about politics, but it is nothing less than hilarious to watch a government self-destruct. Who would have imagined, even a few motnhs ago, that the Liberals could go from such a commanding lead in the polls to mucking about in the company of those other parties, you know, those ones that were, like geeks and nerds, never cool enough to truly matter. Moreover, the Liberals-- or, er, "Team Martin," or as I call them, "Paulie and the Paulettes"-- did this to themselves. Oh, it warms my heart to see arrogance, hypocrisy, and outright idiocy rewarded in kind. Jean Chrétien must be feeling atitter right now. Anyone remember that scene from The Hunt For Red October when the Soviet Ambassador (Joss Ackland) is forced to ask the Nation Security Advisor (Richard Jordan) for help when a second submarine is lost, and Jordan says, savouring the situation, something to the effect of "You lost another submarine???" Yes, I imagine that feeling Jordan expressed is simply teeming in Chrétien right now. Added delight: PM PM's cross-country carnival has apparently done absolutely nothing to raise public support; nor has the introduction of "star-candidates," nor has the elaborate commercial campaign, nor has the dispensation of funds for BSE or cities or whatnot done a damned thing. Its mistep after mistep after mistep, of which this is the latest, and it's making the Liberals look desperately imbecilic. Oh, welcome to the agoe of Paulitics As Usual. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Martin: once Canada's Golden Boy and Ray Of Hope®, now the political equivalent of Inspector Clouseau. Pardon this blog while it rolls around in hopeless, incessant laughter. Who thought we'd have a Prime Minister that would make Jean Chrétien look savvy? Hell, he makes Kim Campbell look like Woodrow Wilson. In the words of an immortal philosopher: SNARK!

      Yes, I'll stop being smug now. ;-) ~~Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain...~~

      On the flip side, Bob Robertson (of Double Exposure) has a funny take on how the Liberals can get another majority government. Worth reading.

12 April 2004

Hoochie Kutcher Man


      I have two reasons for linking to this article: (1) the headline amused me, for whatever silly reason; and (2) think about it, people, do we really want this to happen? Do we really want Moore punks in the world? I don't think so. Please let's have these two spayed or neutered.

Supreme Hypocrisy


      Antonin strikes again. See also this op-ed piece from the NYTimes. And this man is "upholding the Constitution"?!?! Anyone think it might be a good idea to enact the early scenes of The Pelican Brief? Kidding! (Watch: I'll soon have marshals claiming I'm a terrorist threat. *rolls eyes*)

      Sidebar, Your Honour: If you're going to be railroading the freedom of the press, it's probably best if one of your marshals isn't named Rube.

Higher Education


       Only in British Columbia.... This blog suspects the phrase "Getting Wrecked" will develop a new meaning for next year's frosh.

~~I Just Want Some Extra Time And Your.... ~~


      Strangely enough, this makes sense. Effing figures. *grumble, grumble*

The Unintelligible Haze of Daftness


      As some of you may have heard, some of the love letters from Dylan Thomas to Caitlin, his wife of thirteen years, are being auctioned tomorrow at Sotheby's. It's rather sad reading some of the excerpts from the letters, for a number of reasons but not least of which is the plaintiveness of his desperation, and I can't help but think Thomas wouldn't want such letters being gavelled off for whatever reasons. (That Caitlin herself sold them decades ago strikes me as discomforting, too.) Still, there's something of the typical Thomasian innocence and charging in lines like these:

You'll never, I'll never let you, grow wise, and I'll never, you shall never let me, grow wise and we'll always be young and unwise together . . . I love you so much, I'll never be able to tell you; I'm frightened to tell you.
Yes, it's juvenile, it's prostrating, it's even a bit pathetic. But it's also indicative of the talent Thomas had, and the depth of his feeling (as much as I hate to invoke such terms). No wonder he turned to the sauce. What did Bertrand Russell say? "Drunkenness is temporary suicide: the happiness that it brings is merely negative, a momentary cessation of unhappiness." Can't say I'd agree with that entirely, but it certainly seems to agree with Thomas. ~~Oh, Mr. Thomas, let us feel whatever we're supposed to feel....~~

      That said, it's worth remembering some of Thomas' poems, or, better yet, rereading them:

Light Breaks Where No Sun Shines

Light breaks where no sun shines;
Where no sea runs, the waters of the heart
Push in their tides;
And, broken ghosts with glow-worms in their heads,
The things of light
File through the flesh where no flesh decks the bones.

A candle in the thighs
Warms youth and seed and burns the seeds of age;
Where no seed stirs,
The fruit of man unwrinkles in the stars,
Bright as a fig;
Where no wax is, the candle shows its hairs.

Dawn breaks behind the eyes;
From poles of skull and toe the windy blood
Slides like a sea;
Nor fenced, nor staked, the gushers of the sky
Spout to the rod
Divining in a smile the oil of tears.

Night in the sockets rounds,
Like some pitch moon, the limit of the globes;
Day lights the bone;
Where no cold is, the skinning gales unpin
The winter's robes;
The film of spring is hanging from the lids.


Light breaks on secret lots,
On tips of thought where thoughts smell in the rain;
When logics dies,
The secret of the soil grows through the eye,
And blood jumps in the sun;
Above the waste allotments the dawn halts.
And then there's the old chestnut of a villanelle that we all seem to know by rote, if only because of high-school English classes and Dead Poets' Society (or Rodney Dangerfield's Back To School, or Michelle Pfeiffer's Dangerous Minds or....):

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night (hear it here: requires Real Audio)

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And then there's this one, perhaps a bit closer to the themes of the letters:

The Force That Through The Green Fuse Drives The Flower

The force that through the green fuse drives the flower
Drives my green age; that blasts the roots of trees
Is my destroyer.
And I am dumb to tell the crooked rose
My youth is bent by the same wintry fever.

The force that drives the water through the rocks
Drives my red blood; that dries the mouthing streams
Turns mine to wax.
And I am dumb to mouth unto my veins
How at the mountain spring the same mouth sucks.

The hand that whirls the water in the pool
Stirs the quicksand; that ropes the blowing wind
Hauls my shroud sail.
And I am dumb to tell the hanging man
How of my clay is made the hangman's lime.

The lips of time leech to the fountain head;
Love drips and gathers, but the fallen blood
Shall calm her sores.
And I am dumb to tell a weather's wind
How time has ticked a heaven round the stars.

And I am dumb to tell the lover's tomb
How at my sheet goes the same crooked worm.
There's a strong Whitmanesque sense to the rhythms of the last, particularly in the peculiar syntactical arrangements (the first line, indeed, sounds like it's echoing "When Lilacs Last In The Dooryard Bloom'd"). Note too the tendency for Thomas to end lines and sentences with nouns and verbs, rather than adjectives or adverbs; there's a kind of concreteness of fact and action that seems to refuse the tapering tendence of modification and qualification, a concreteness of elementarity reinforced, I think, by his ending of most lines with monosyllablic words.

      All this reminds me of a poem a tried to write (and never completed) years ago about Dylan, but also based on my own revisioning of the image below of Sir Alec Guinness from the Broadway production Dylan in the 1960s. For some reason, the image will always seem to me to sum up Dylan, not so much for the alcohol involved, but for the curious care and brilliant madness of stacking shots so carefully on top of one another.

Alec Guinness as Dylan


      I don't know. For reasons quite beyond my immediate explanation, I love this image. Anyway, let us think of Mr. Thomas today and tomorrow as the testaments of his love are sold off and their original intimacy is reduced to a few thousand pounds from collectors. (And, yes, I think Caitlin was a bitch for selling the damn things off in the first place.) In the words of Robin Williamson:

With the usual ceremonial you were crowned one night
King of the field where doctors nail the cows
To make of the cock's quill the rights of language
And the pricking heart a sword against the hours
...
Ah, Mr. Thomas let us ramble through the midnight fair
Let us throw old bottles at the ferris wheel
Let us paint library on the library let us raid the moonlight
Let us steal whatever we are supposed to steal...
And let us drink to the unintelligible haze of daftness. Cheers, you "wild Welsh Rimbaud."

Dalai World


      This blog can't decide what it finds more disturbing about this article:

  • this: "Newsweek magazine, after a lengthy interview with him in 1997, reported that he keeps the plastic-wrapped, preserved corpse of his favourite tutor seated in a room in his house." (Gulp! *Dr J tugs uncomfortably at his collar hoping no one else gets the same idea*)
  • or this: "Pointing to his groin, he added, 'So my instrument is useless. It has no purpose, no meaning.'" (How terribly, terribly sad!)
I don't think I'll ever be able to look at him the same way again. Oh, god, don't let me end up like a couch in a (stereotypical) Italian living room....

11 April 2004

Yet Another Hole Joke


      Just read this. That's all this blog's gonna say. *guilty snicker*

      See also this. Asked Cain afterwards, "Am I brother's reaper?" Tsk tsk tsk, I know....

Great Fun For The Whole Family


      Read this and tell me you're not thinking of something entirely different. This blog's favourite bit: "Contestants take turns pitching their corn bags at the cornhole platform until a contestant reaches the score of 21 points." And remember: it can be played anytime, anywhere. (This blog understands that there's an Australian game called poontang, too.)

Whacking Cinderella


      This blog wonders if Prince Charming had so much troubling getting her to, ahem, open up. Anyone remember the movie Parenthood?

Head Hunters


      Alas, poor Dante! I knew him, Horatio....

But Seriously...


      Somehow, to describe this as "weird" seems inappropriate. Go figure.

Leave It To Beaver


      You clean, clean girl you.... You know you like it clean, don't you, you clean little....

      (Yes, this blog will now feel deeply ashamed of itself.)

      Twisted irony: try not to think of whether or not your parents or grandparents were or are, er, meticulous.

Mari's Wetting


      This. Blog. Will. Say. ABSOLUTELY. Nothing.

      *shudder*

Freaky Friday


      Now that's what I call good public relations. It just brings a tear to my ever-so jaded eye. *sniff*

08 April 2004

Fucksticks!


      The recently-mentioned lass that spoke all-too-kindly of the N-S-G Doctor is a mere 19 (nine-teen). Suddenly, not only has some of the lustre of her response slid away, but so too has come with it the sense of "oh, no, this is so, so wrong, so very, very wrong." Worse (but not badly, in itself), I ran into a woman I've not seen since high school, and, idiot that I am, I pointed out that the last time I'd seen said woman, said lass was a mere SIX years old. Oh, lord. Time is an ironic bitch, isn't she? I'd relay more of the embarrassing tales here, save that I'm now tired and contemplating a retreat into a spider-hole. I'm too old for this shit.... *rolls eyes* Free me from this concatenation of irony! Nineteen. Kill me now... Oh, so very, very wrong....

      On the flip side, was rereading Frank Kermode on John Donne tonight, and thinking that my own imagined design for the "Donne class" in an Introduction to Poetry class increasingly spot on: that he is both the exception and the rule to a lot of the principles of poetry and poetic thought, and that he has to be contextualised in that regard. I'd, in such a situation, want to put Donne by himself, in a class after the Elizabethan masters (Spenser and Shakespeare, though I'd have set aside a seperate session for Sidney and Astrophil and Stella and the sonnet-cycle). Woj, if ye read this, can we do a class just on Donne? Or two? Or.... No, I'll stop there. Kermode on Donne, though, is quite good, and every time I read Kermode I wonder why more contemporary lit crits can't be as good as he is, or even pale shadows in that regard.

      John Donne would certainly not have cared much for my writing in this post, but he most certainly would have appreciated the contrasts, and the lascivious factor. Were oh were I as witty as JD.

      Okay, I'm done now. Not Donne, but.... Yeah, I know. Bogger if. ;-)

07 April 2004

Curses!


      There's nothing quite like pissing your money away. Just wait for the Americans to get a hold of this idea and turn it into a weekly hidden camera show.

Napoleon In Rags, And The Lingerie That He Used


      Well, if you're going to become a corporate shill, I guess this is the way to do it. Next up: Blood On The Tracks for Stayfree.

Artificial Vanilla Icy


      It seems Colin Mochrie and the Improv All-Stars are coming to Southern Ontario, including Toronto and Hamilton. Cool. Apparently Greg Proops will be there, too. Awesome. No word if the Emir of Groovefunkistan will attend.

Drowning In Sheet


      Read this and be appropriately worried. Shades of -- dare I say it? -- Waterworld??? Now that's scary. This blog will refrain from making any jokes about London Bridge.

      Some say the world will end in fire,
      Some say in ice.
      From what I've tasted of desire
      I hold with those that favor fire.
      But if I had to perish twice
      I think I know enough of hate
      To say that for destruction ice
      Is also great
      And would suffice.

      --- Robert Frost (1923)

Burning For You


      This blog's favourite quote from this article: " I really ruined my evening - and my night." No shit, Sherlock. Duh. Remember, guys, no matter how much you want to impress her, anything related to the act of cooking should be done with sensitive body parts protected. Unless, of course, you're this guy. This blog cannot decide if it should reply "Doh!" or "Duh!" You decide.

Giving It Up


      Mary Magdalene would be proud.

Shake Your Groove Thangs...


      Does anybody remember modesty? Nah, I thought not. Maybe it's time I got into the right business.

When The Moon Hits Your Eye


      What is the Dutch translation for "bling bling"? Pretty soon all the kids will be doing this. Now we know what Oedipus was trying to do. *shudder*

Getting To The Bottom Of Things


      Gee, some good stuff in today's Globe and Mail. Check out these articles by Jeff Simpson and Marcus Gee, both about current American dilemmas. Check out this eye-opener, too, from The Washington Post.



      Okay, not so interested in world affairs or international politics? Well, then check out this article about laying things bare. That noted, it's worth recalling this classic poem from Robert Graves:

The Naked and The Nude

For me, the naked and the nude
(By lexicographers construed
As synonyms that should express
The same deficiency of dress
Or shelter) stand as wide apart
As love from lies, or truth from art.

Lovers without reproach will gaze
On bodies naked and ablaze;
The Hippocratic eye will see
In nakedness, anatomy;
And naked shines the Goddess when
She mounts her lion among men.

The nude are bold, the nude are sly
To hold each treasonable eye.
While draping by a showman's trick
Their dishabille in rhetoric,
They grin a mock-religious grin
Of scorn at those of naked skin.

The naked, therefore, who compete
Against the nude may know defeat;
Yet when they both together tread
The briary pastures of the dead,
By Gorgons with long whips pursued,
How naked go the sometime nude!
Yes, as always, this blog is always concerned with the most pressing matters of the day. Especially naked ones. Or nude. Trailing clouds of glory do we come.

05 April 2004

You Know This Pun Was Coming A Mile Away


      Now that's what I call an engorged pussy.

Urgent Britney Update


      We all knew it was only a matter of time. (Scroll down: this blog is referring to the second story, not the first.)

Inkless Wells


      Paul Wells took over the backpage of Macleans a year or so ago from Dr. Foth, and he's since proven to be deserving of the slot. It's worth it to check out his blog which provides no end of delight for Doctor J because it seems Wells disdains Paul Martin's hypocrisy as much as I do (without being a raving super-conservative loon). Worth checking out.

Another Attempt To Justify Neo-Puritanism


      This may well be true, but this blog can't wonder how many people died from hypothermia as a result of freezing their butts off. Grrr.

      The name "Stanton Glantz" tickles my funny bone. It sounds more like an instruction than a name. ;-)

      This, though, is much more interesting, and much more provocative. And, for once, Doctor J will not speculate; he'll just leave everything to your filthy imaginations.

Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry About The Butterflies


      Screw Modern Bride. Here's what you really need to know about weddings. Other than, of course, avoiding them entirely. (You'll sooner see me grind my body parts into hamburger before I even think of committing such an atrocity.)

You're So Cool, Brewster...
      a.k.a. "Most Obnoxious Entry Ever"


      Okay, a little story here from the real life of Doctor J, and not only does this blog assure you that it is absolutely true, but also that no animals were harmed or otherwise molested in it.

      The Not-So-Good-Doctor pops over to a local haunt last night, mainly to get in a few pints and get some marking done. After a few papers, he takes what he intends to be a short break and joins a few acquaintances for a spell. Sitting with such acquaintances is a very lithe young lady, blonde and perhaps 21, but most assuredly not the reason the N-S-G Doctor decided to take said break. As conversation progresses, it becomes apparent even to my normally-blind eyes that young lady is not only flirting with me (she's flirtatious to begin with), but that she's taken quite a shine to the N-S-G Doctor. What sort of shine, you may logically ask. Well, of that I'm not entirely sure, but she keeps blurting out to her female companion things like "I just love the way he talks, I don't even understand what he's talking about, but he talks so ---[trails off]" and "He's so ---- [trails off again]." I kid ye not. I make none of this up. She was speaking with that sort of unbridled schoolgirlness (yes, I'm coining my own word there) that one so seldom sees anymore, or, more appropriately, I so seldom see anymore. Oh, it was nice, that look of embarrassed enamourment, that surprise that she was saying such stuff within the earshot of the person about whom she spoke. And what did I do, you might reasonably ask. Well, I just played coy and let her gush, assuring her she wasn't embarrassing herself, and that everything was just fine while I talked mostly to the chap at my left, mostly about chess, university, and politics. Did I mention that this young-missy is not only hawwwwwwwt but the general centre of attention in said haunt, the object of countless leers, mumbled "oh yeaaaaahhhhs" and barely-restrained Homer-like drooling ("Mmmmm.... Hawwwwwwt-tieeeeee....")? My ego runneth over. Or, rather, it does now: I wasn't letting it last night (because that would be bad form, of course). But to be the subject of such abject, girly-girl fawning.... Oh yeaaaahhhh.... I'm sure all of you can see my evil, evil grin right now.

      Is there romance or anything like it in the offing? No, probably not, almost definitely not. Is there anything more to this? Again, probably, almost definitely, not. But, damn, was it nice to be in that position again. The funny thing is this, that it reminded me of my early university days in Derek Cohen's Introduction to Drama class, wherein a cabal of young lasses would gather in the back row and go on endlessly about Derek's voice sounding (to their naive ears) so much like Sean Connery's. So, I had a Derek moment last night, and I'll tell ya, it's better than pills for this pill. Oh yeah, that's the ticket....

      Am I tooting my own horn here, being a little-too-pleased with myself? Well, maybe. (For how often it happens, I'm allowed, gall-darnit.) I'm also a bit pleased that I didn't do anything in the least to solicit such a response, or to encourage it (tho' I sure as *hell* didn't discourage it, either; whaddya think I am, freakin' stupid?), and I sure didn't do anything to pursue or progress matters. Who knew there was still gas in the tank? I certainly didn't. Well, that's not entirely true, but let's not get tied up in facts here. Let's not get caught up in the fact that this poor young lass must be delusional, blind, or otherwise insane, and let's not get caught up in the ridiculousness of it all. She was moist for my voice, and unabashedly so. And it was HIGH-larious. I can barely stop chuckling as I write this entry.

      At this point, there's only one thing to do: [Cue the music] STRUT. ~~Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk, / I’m a woman’s man: no time to talk....~~

      Wait. Did I just quote the Bee Gees? What the holy hell?!?!?!? Are those four horsemen I see riding across the horizon? No matter. ~~Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive. / Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin’ alive....~~

      Post-Script: This blog assures you that the Not-So-Good Doctor has not gone off his meds, and it apologizes profusely for this truly uncharacteristic spiel from him-- even though this blog is pretty sure Doctor J has just made many of you pee yourselves with hysterical laughter. This blog would like to assure all concerned that Doctor J will return to his oh-so-cranky self soon, and that he will be appropriately reprimanded when he does. The Bee Gees. Moron. Damn it, and this blog works so hard to keep his ego in check. Tsk tsk tsk. A shame, really. Now if only this blog could get him to stop walking like that....

Oh. My. God.


      *silence*

I A-Tol' Ya This Wouldna Work


      The United States. Iran. Again. A marriage made in Hell. Or Edward Albee.

      Similarly, tell me that you can read this headline and be surprised. Humanna-hummana.

TTFN


      This blog assures you, there is *nothing* so scandalous about Eeyore. Well.... *cough, cough* *walks away again, covering his eyes*

      (Those of you that don't understand the title for this post, really oughta buck up on your Milne.)

The Goo-Goo Falls


      So, Mike Myers got slimed and Cameron Diaz didn't. Hmmmm. Insert your own joke here. *Doctor J purses his lips, and the proceeds to whistle a mild little tune, walking away ever-so-innocently*

04 April 2004

It Takes One To Know One


      You know things are bad when John Dean-- JOHN DEAN!!!-- is calling you corrupt. That's like having Dylan Thomas call you a smashing drunk. Ah, it seems the White House spent months worrying about the wrong Dean.

Fists of Fury


      Remember: never to go bed angry. Oh, I'm definitely going to hell now....

Net Losses


      Why do people plagiarise? Because of apologists like these. Consequence, shmonsequence. Reminds me of one my student's papers which states, "Human culpability is detrimental." Oy vey.

03 April 2004

Bach To The Future


      One word: kewwwwwwwl.

Fabulous, Simply Fabulous


      Somewhere over the rainbow coalition (of the all-too-willing).... Hilarious as this piece is, I can see Dubya reading this-- well, no, hearing about this-- and thinking, "that's not such a bad idea."

Putting The Blow Back Into Blowhard


      Every now and again, this blog needs a dose of gob-smacking ignorance to rile it to action. I write here of the brain-splintering stupidity (to say nothing of utter malevolence) that compels one to think, however momentarily, that the world indeed is too much with us. After all, every Don Quixote needs his windbags, er, windmills. So, where does this blog go when it needs blatant lies and sickening misappropriation of facts? It goes to the finest vinyard of misinformation; it goes here, proof positive that not every sperm is sacred.

02 April 2004

Emissions and Purgations


      This is wrong, soooo wrong. But I have a strange feeling some of you out there are sheepishly turning your heads in quiet guilt. You dirty little monkeys....

      In an unrelated story, a new marketing strategy at Procter and Gamble (aka "We Do Evil Right") is supposed to generate a heavy new cashflow. Applicators of the strategy are quoted as saying, "This is bloody brilliant!" Top executives, however, are wary and have given the new campaign a limited trial period. Said one, "We may be out of our cotton-pickin' minds, but we're hoping we can string this out long enough to stop the rupture in sales revenues. But if it fails, the higher-ups will be out for blood." This blog wonders if Elizabeth Berkeley will be featured in the spots.

Spamuel Taylor Coleridge?


      The irony about this literary discovery: it reminds me of bill bisset. Join in the hole stretching fun....

Greene With Envy


      Yet another reason I shouldn't look at Ebay. Can anyone spare £4,000?

      I have to laugh, though, because I already have this, and know the info given at ebay is a tad spurious. Caveat emptor.

Georrrrrgia, Ohhhhh Georrrrrgia....


      TOP OF THE NEWS: This photo from the Drudge Report, showing Dubya doin' his very best impression of Ray Charles.



~~Like moonlight, through the pines....~~

Lost In Translation


      Pardon my Keanu-ism here, but I think the appropriate response here is Whoa... If there's anything substantiable to this, there's gonna be Hell to pay.

The Myth Of The Great Man


      Alas, it's true, our heroes aren't as heroic as they used to be. *Sniff*

      (This blog's favourite bit: "provided, of course, there was somebody to feed him the oyster." Lovely. Vicious, but lovely.)

Loafing Around


      In my last class on Tuesday, I offended a few of my students by referring to Britney Spears as "a walking yeast infection." Okay, it was a bit crass (a bit??), but none of my kids should have been surprised that I'd say such a thing. Let's face it, though: Britney and her ilk aren't really musicians, and they're certainly not really songwriters, at least not by my increasingly-outdated mode of thinking; they're more like public embolisms. Oh, our poor cultural arteries, they do suffer so. Regardless, I should amend what I said to my students: Britney's not a walking yeast infection. She's a strutting, squatting, hip-gyrating, cervix-dilating yeast infection. This blog stands appropriately, and humbly, corrected.

Ribbed For Her Pleasure


      Yes, hard as it may be to believe Dubya is now worried about condom labels. Perhaps the beginning of a new Haliburton product, the Freedom Tickler? Lifestyles of the Rich and Doctrinal? Of course, Bob Dole would have to be the spokesperson.

Filthy Lucre


      It never ceases to amaze this blog what people will do with their money. This blog can't help but imagine the terrible, terrible capacity for paper cuts. The things people pull out of their asses....

Titty Titty Bang Bang


      Key fact in this article: 500 litres. Five. Hundred. Litres. Kilimanjaro, she's going to feed the world! All together now, ~~I'd like to teach the word to sing / In perfect harmony / I'd like to give the world some milk / And keep my car running / And that's a promise...~~

We Have Ways Of Making You Talk


      Apparently, squealers eventually proceed to hoot, howl, and fling pooh in the faces of their questioners. Can't wait to see this on Law & Order.

01 April 2004

Hypocrite Lecteur!


      Well, back from the grind.... Sadly, there's not much of note to report here, or, rather, the stuff on which I might report is, professionally-speaking, better left out of discussion here. Sometimes, discretion is difficult, especially when one feels most drawn to rant. *sigh*

      My own general frustration and dissatisfaction with disciplinarity in literature has had me teasing through in my wee little head the idea of "The Doctor J School Of Literature," something I envision, oh so dreamily, as a kind of variation on law school, an advanced programme for those most genuinely interested in the study of literature, a programme that would require good grades and decent writing skills to gain admission. I realize I'm in danger of seeming an elitist snob, and perhaps I am indeed becoming one, but I find myself increasingly disheartened. I imagine a programme dedicated to the instruction of skilled and precise writing and analysis, and to the instruction of literary history and forms. Ideally this should be happening at the university level, but it's increasingly apparent that universities these days are little more than overpriced secondary schools. I know, I know: get off your high horse, Doctor J. It does bother me, though, that a lot of the excuses that are made within the humanities and social sciences would never pass muster in the scientific, mathematical, or engineering disciplines. I should get to putting together a series of notes on Shakespeare for mes eleves that I may or may not post here when they're done (you know, on the extremely odd chance that anyone would find them of interest). We shall see.

      So, sorry folks: no links today, no smart-ass flippancies, no pseudo-clever commentary. Maybe tomorrow. Cheers.