HAT: 2004 Edition

      Yes, it's finally here, the new edition of the Heaven Admissions Test, and God's evidently in a smiting mood. If you dare, just click here to read it.

HAT: The Heaven Admissions Test:

2004 Edition

You must answer at least TEN of the following questions.

Read this examination paper in its entirety before answering. You are reminded that you have three hours to complete this examination, and that this is your only opportunity to sit this examination, so answer carefully and accurately. Good luck.

1. Stephen Hawking once said: "I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image." Assume this is true. Now explain to your creations, in terms as uplifting to them as possible, why you have to destroy them.

2. Defend mooning as a legitimate form of social criticism. How might it be used ontologically?

3. "There is no remembrance of former things; neither shall there be any remembrance of things that are to come with those that shall come after," says the Preacher (Ecclesiastes 1:11). Assess the implications of this fact in relation to the traditional notions of confession, repentance, and forgiveness, and explain how those implications effect each of the following:

(a) the works of Marcel Proust;
(b) the existence of purgatory;
(c) the idea of love;
(d) that thing you did with the rugby squad, the guinea pig and the cocoa-butter cream;
and (e) your prospects for the successful completion of this examination.

Note: Amnesiacs are precluded from answering this question.

4. Justify J. Lo. Be warned that mentioning any of her songs, films, lovers or body parts will result in immediate disqualification.

5. Summarize the scope of human history in one word. No adjectives or profanities, please.

6. Exactly how many angels can dance on the head of a pin? How many Charlie's Angels? Remember to show your work for possible partial-credit.

7. Hypothetical situation: the Last Man on Earth is a Jehovah's Witness, sitting alone in a small room. Suddenly, he hears a knock at the door. (Take a moment to savour the irony.) Does he or does he not answer the door? Determine and describe the consequences of his decision.

8. Discuss and comment on the importance of cunnilingus to human evolution.

9. Translate.

10. Explain God's purpose(s) in creating each of the following:

(a) tickling;
(b) the Chia Pet;
(c) Richard Nixon;
(d) the opossum;
(e) the uvula.

11. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud" (Corinthians 13:4). Identify the substance that Paul was smoking when he wrote those words and explain the social, historical, and economic implications of Paul having bogarted that joint.

12. Is cruciverbalism a heresy? Why or why not?

13. Can God make an error so great that even he cannot repair it? Explain.

14. Evaluate your own success in living in accordance with God's policy on gettin' jiggy with it.

15. Design a course for an upper-level seminar on trust. What readings would you assign? Could you expect your students to do them?

16. Have an epiphany. Right. Now.

17. Write a complete, grammatically-correct sentence that is also a perfect palindrome. Stay away from a man, a plan, a canal and Panama.

18. Perform a precise and meaningful exegesis of the following lyric:

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no....

19. Name your five favourite sins, cardinal and/or venal. Describe how your indulgence of these favourites now has you screwed but good.

20. Describe your greatest regret in life. How would you change things if you could, and what do you suspect would be the consequences?

21. Regret.

22. Chart as precisely and as mathematically as you can the structure of the firmament, and then situate yourself within the desire evinced by that structure.

23. Name the one thing you believe above all others, and explain why this belief is utterly and inescapably wrong.

24. Describe the smell you detect coming now from the charnel-houses in the form of a cywydd llosgyrnog.

25. Have faith. Articulate it in one word, and then the Welsh equivalent.

26. Recreate creation using only a cinder block, an ounce-and-a-half of baking soda and two garden hoes.

27. Name every single Bad Thing that you have done in life. Itemize them in a descending scale of priority. Postulate remedies for the top five.

28. Write one thing that will make God smile.

29. Write one thing that will make God laugh.

30. Sing the song buried deepest in your heart without using words. Sing who and what you were before the world was made. If you can, try not to cry.

THE END
Submit your examination paper to the attending procters. Feel free to prostrate yourself before them accordingly, but be assured this will do no good.