12 February 2007

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor

He’s kidding of course about taking time off –Dr. J knows he’ll be working just as hard to make up for the complete drivel he’s given me permission to post. I did however promise to keep the hard-core nudity links, fascist rants and general gutter mouth to a minimum, so we’ll see how long I can keep up my end of the bargain.

So I’ll start off at the opposite end of the spectrum, Things I learned at the Opera last night. I enjoy a night at the opera not only because it's perfectly acceptable to stare at strangers with binoculars but also because I receive valuable life lessons that may help me through some sticky situations in the future. Here are some of the pearls I gathered from Lady MacBeth of Mtsensk:

· "I tripped on a sack and then he tripped on the sack and fell on top of me" -This is a stunning excuse to give your brutish father-in-law when he finds you face down and moaning on your husband's factory floor with one of the help. Who hasn’t been in that situation at one time or another?

· When deciding to have an affair, resist the temptation to take up with a known womanizer who instigates an attempted gang rape the first time you see him. Make no mistake, down the road he’s only going to give your woolen stockings to his new Siberian hoochie.

· A couple of ideas regarding the best protocol for concealing one's hastily bludgeoned husband:
1) Don't just leave the corpse to rot on the cellar floor. It reeks of arrogance (among other things) and it's just plain lazy. Use a shovel -there's a reason it's been the digging tool of choice for thousands of years.
2) Do not randomly stop and stare at the door to your husband’s corpse, muttering to yourself like a big bag of crazy. It's bound to draw unwanted attention even if everyone around you is swilling vodka.

· And finally, stay away from the mushrooms in Russia. I thought it was a exaggeration when Katerina explains to the priest that “he just ate mushrooms, people often die like that.” Apparently not: 17 people died in Russia from ingesting poisonous mushrooms in 2005. A spicy polonium roll isn’t looking so bad anymore…

1 comment:

Dr J said...

Mmmmm, Siberian hoochie....

(Imagine what she might be called were she from Kamchatka.)

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