06 January 2005

Tuckered Out

The Dick In The Bowtie      It seems Tucker Carlson is moving to MSNBC-- and thus prompting CNN to cancel Crossfire.   I can't believe it. What-- oh what-- will the world do without its mid-afternoon barking spectacle? And what will happen to poor, gentle Bob "The Douchebag of Liberty" Novak, now that he'll have one less show on which to snarl? What will Idiot America-- as opposed to Intelligent America, which watched Crossfire only to get its blood pressure up-- do without his pre-dinner servings of wisdom on a cob (and CIA agents on a stick)? Oh, this is a tragedy! A most lamentable loss! Rhetoric will never be the same again! Please, please, think of the douchebags! Oh, the vinegar! Oh, the water!

      (James Carville and Paul Begala-- well, goodness only knows where they can go. Just don't let them come to Canada, please.)

The Douchebag Himself      So, let me add this up: Jon Stewart 1, Crossfire 0. If this had happened in time for Christmas (or, better, the election), I just might have come to believe in Sanity Claus after all.

      Aside: don't buy the plop from CNN president Joe Klein when he says, "We just determined there was not a role here in the way Tucker wanted his career to go. He wanted to host a prime-time show in which he would put on live guests and have spirited debate. That's not the kind of show CNN is going to be doing." Just wait until they can get some other name brands. And perhaps find a way to make Carlos Watson anything more than the Krusty the Klown version of Bryant Gumbel.

      Aside-aside: And can we do something, while we're at it, about the irrevocably obnoxious Wolf Blitzer, the vapid Paula Zahn, and the preening Sanjay Gupta? First, we take Atlanta....

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