Hey, Ho, And The Words And The Drain,
   And The Drain It Draineth Every Day...

      Well, it looks like I've inherited the lot of my colleague's marking, so Doctor J is going to be a busy little bugger in the next wee bit. So much marking, he thinks to himself, like a shell-shocked war veteran. Sometimes I wonder if one has to be Sir Henry Rawlinson to make heads-or-tails of undergraduate esperanto (as complex as cuneiform, but certainly less sophisticated). Oh well, as they say, when it rains...

      Just a few bits and pieces for today, before I retreat into my academic warren for the next several days (and cling to the likely vain hope that I'll be able to get out for a few drinks tonight):

>> Sir Frank Kermode has a review in the NY Times on three new books about Shakie, including yet another quasi-biography by the voluminous Shakespearean Stanley Wells.

>> Ah, and here's a brief piece about a matter near and dear to the Not-So-Good Doctor's heart. Pardon me a moment while I wax nostalgic for simpler days.

>> Dave Barry's current column might be subtitled "Real Men Don't Make Concessions," and is a delight to read; and, before any of you ask, I have to admit I am as subject to a lot of the same basic responses as Guy A and Guy B, if only for the sake of spite and giving as good as one bloody well gets. *smirk*

>> And then there's this, which RK forwarded to me this morning, but which I've seen floating about the net for a while now. I can't help but find it ironic that RK sent this the day after the detestable Dr. Laura appeared on Larry King Live (with, of course, the shocking headline that "Dr. Laura Speaks Out!"). Anyway, for those of you who've not seen this before, it's worth remembering the old credo, "God save me the righteous and the holy":

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S.radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a U.S.resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I learn a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.

When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35: clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev.21:20states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting twodifferent crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Alas, it's time to get some more work done, which should be heretical for a Saturday, which really is just par for the course. Off to do my flimsy impression of Rawlinson, praying I can sneak myself from this addling at least for a respite tonight.

Post-Script: The return to campus since my refashioning was partially hilarious, partially humiliating, as many of my older friends did their double-takes and pot-shots, the most typical being "You look sooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuuute," "You look like you're bloody 19!" and "Did you join the marines?" (On the latter, of course not: Canada has no marinary forces to speak of, save those submarines at the West Edmonton Mall.) But, oh it is fun fucking with people's expectations. *rubs hands villainously* But as I have wound up averring several times, the next person that uses the word "cute" in that pseudo-familial tone of a dozen W's strung together will find him- or herself subjected to a series of tortures and mutilations, including (but not limited to) gutting, garrotting, castrating, quartering, tarring, feathering, dissection, and public immolation. And if you tussle my hair at all, I'll think up even more excruciating punishments to visit upon you. Grrrrrrr....