for C, who said I had to put this up here at one point or another...

HAT: Heaven Admission Test

You must answer at least TEN of the following questions.

Read this examination paper in its entirety before answering. You are reminded that you have three hours to complete this examination, and this is your only opportunity to sit this examination, so answer carefully and accurately. Good luck.

1. "Dubito ergo cogito, cogito ergo sum." Assess the implications of Descartes' suppostion in relation to the doctrine of God's infallibility. Does doubt finally prove God's excistence or his absence within this paradigm?

2. Identify your five favourite poems by Coventry Patmore, and defend your preferences.

3. Assume Douglas Adams, however jokingly, was right in postulating that the answer to the meaning of life was "42." Calculate accordingly the square root of the meaning of death to five decimal places.

4. Name every person you've ever hurt in your life-- and not just the ones you know you hurt, but all of them-- and explain the reasons for your actions. Postulate remedies for at least twenty of those people.

5. It is generally noted that nature abhors a vaccuum. If this is the case, why do Hoovers continue to exist? What does this suggest to you about nature, and, indeed, about the future of reality TV?

6. Is evil a necessary aspect of human existence? Why or why not? Note: do not invoke Nietzsche in answering this; God is still pissed after the whole "God is dead" thing.

7. Is the Christian God heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, carnisexual, or herbisexual? Explain with references to indications of God's 'proclivities' that may be gleaned from the Bible.

8. God can see you when you masturbate. Explain why this does or does not bother you. Caveat: Do not argue that you don't; he knows better.

9. Your dead relatives also have front-row seats when you masturbate. Explain why this does or does not bother you. Again, do not argue that you do not masturbate, and think long and hard on your grandmother's face as you articulate your 'gendericity.'

10. Write your own version of Dante's Commedia. Where would you situate yourself in this version of purgatory, hell, and heaven, and why?

11. Turn the ink from your examination paper into either blood or wine (take your pick; this is supposed to be fun, after all!).

12. Justify triskaidekaphobia.

14. Express your deepest love in one word.

15. Express your deepest hate in one letter.

16. Is time past gathered in time future?

17. Prove that Avril Lavigne and Jerry Springer are indeed the same person.

18. Perform one act of genuine faith and love, and describe the emotions you have as you do so. Keep in mind, this has to be an act of true faith and love, and not just what you assume one is.

19. "Brevity is the soul of wit," Shakespeare indicates. Prove this with your examination paper.

20. Can you honestly say you've given more to the world than it has given you? If so, address your wrongedness in the form of a Johnny Carson monologue. If not, address your plenty in the form of a Van Morrison song.

21. Write an elegy for Hitler that does not invoke either jingoistic Teutonism, cheap patriotism, or vindictive anti-Semitism.

22. What is the secret of the Caramilk bar?

23. Caress the inner truth within you, and describe it. Remember, your grandparents can read your answers.

24. Have the guts: write your deepest desire, the one you most desperately try to pretend does not exist.

25. Explain the virtues of bukkake in the form of a poetic epistle.

26. Explain the last time you cried.

27. Explain the last time you didn't cry, but wish you had.

28. Write the perfect equivalent of a kiss.

29. Does malt truly do more than Milton can to justify the ways of God to man? Why or why not?

and

30. Write a funny and intelligent parody of this examination paper that turns the tables on God. Do this without invoking the age-old joke of the platypus.

THE END

Submit your examination paper to the attending procters. Feel free to prostrate yourself before them accordingly, but be assured this will do no good.