Hilarity from RK....

Received the following today from RK in response to the HAT posted earlier this week.  Leave it to him to posit a response to all of the questions, and to have most of them prove hilarious.  I roared as I read the initial email.  If you're seeing this RK, thanks:  you single-handedly brightened an otherwise abysmal day.  :-)  Not sure I'd want to call this 'the Official Answer Sheet,' though, cuz I think I have answers of my own... ;-)

Plain text is from the original examination.  Text in italics is RK's. 

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I thought, before you submit this to others (or vie versa) you might like to have the Official Answer Sheet.

HAT: Heaven Admission Test (Examiner's Copy).

You must answer at least TEN of the following questions.

Read this examination paper in its entirety before answering. You are reminded that you have three hours to complete this examination, and this is your only opportunity to sit this examination, so answer carefully and accurately. Good luck.

1. "Dubito ergo cogito, cogito ergo sum." Assess the implications of Descartes' suppostion in relation to the doctrine of God's infallibility. Does doubt finally prove God's excistence or his absence within this paradigm?

A: a carefully drawn picture of God smiling as He contemplates His creation René.

2. Identify your five favourite poems by Coventry Patmore, and defend your preferences.

A: Any five will do. The defence is by Tertullian: Credo quia impossibile.

3. Assume Douglas Adams, however jokingly, was right in postulating that the answer to the meaning of life was "42." Calculate accordingly the square root of the meaning of death to five decimal places.

A: 0.00000.

4. Name every person you've ever hurt in your life-- and not just the ones you know you hurt, but all of them-- and explain the reasons for your actions. Postulate remedies for at least twenty of those people.

A: 0.0001% of the following populations: Dutch, English, Canadian; 0.0000001% of the following populations: Swiss, French, German, Italian; 0.0000000001% of the following populations: American, Russian. No Chinese. As for names, they shall for decency's sake be nameless (what? no decency in Heaven?); as for remedies, champagne is usually adequate, for both the living (quaff, quaff) and the dead (libation, libation, libation).

5. It is generally noted that nature abhors a vaccuum. If this is the case, why do Hoovers continue to exist? What does this suggest to you about nature, and, indeed, about the future of reality TV?

A: Hoovers do not exist. They are an idea in the mind of God, which makes the argument, if not circular, at least elliptical. Nature has nothing to do with either. Reality TV is a contradiction in terms.

6. Is evil a necessary aspect of human existence? Why or why not? Note: do not invoke Nietzsche in answering this; God is still pissed after the whole "God is dead" thing.

A: Why not? And who needs Nietszche when we have Judge Antonin Scalia?

7. Is the Christian God heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, carnisexual, or herbisexual? Explain with references to indications of God's 'proclivities' that may be gleaned from the Bible.

A: Yes.

8. God can see you when you masturbate. Explain why this does or does not bother you. Caveat: Do not argue that you don't; he knows better.

A: Theoretically, He can: in practice, He can't because He is, well, er, busy. Doing what? Well, er, you know.

9. Your dead relatives also have front-row seats when you masturbate. Explain why this does or does not bother you. Again, do not argue that you do not masturbate, and think long and hard on your grandmother's face as you articulate your 'gendericity.'

A: Both grandmothers have it coming. And, perhaps, going.

10. Write your own version of Dante's Commedia. Where would you situate yourself in this version of purgatory, hell, and heaven, and why?

A: See attached 380-page annex. As for situation, how about just behind Paolo and Francesca? With X?

11. Turn the ink from your examination paper into either blood or wine (take your pick; this is supposed to be fun, after all!).

A: lick this and see.

12. Justify triskaidekaphobia.

A: There is no answer to this that does not involve the Last Supper.

14. Express your deepest love in one word.

A: Nougat.

15. Express your deepest hate in one letter.

A: ***.

16. Is time past gathered in time future?

A: Call me back.

17. Prove that Avril Lavigne and Jerry Springer are indeed the same person.

A: Oh, you naughty boy.

18. Perform one act of genuine faith and love, and describe the emotions you have as you do so. Keep in mind, this has to be an act of true faith and love, and not just what you assume one is.

A: As the 13-year old rapist of his grandmother said to the judge who asked him how he felt about the deed, "Well, your Honor, kinda humble and proud?"

19. "Brevity is the soul of wit," Shakespeare indicates. Prove this with your examination paper.

A: Done.

20. Can you honestly say you've given more to the world than it has given you? If so, address your wrongedness in the form of a Johnny Carson monologue. If not, address your plenty in the form of a Van Morrison song.

A: see attached 21-page Annex B.

21. Write an elegy for Hitler that does not invoke either jingoistic Teutonism, cheap patriotism, or vindictive anti-Semitism.

A: An American comes into a bar in Munich and asks for some juice. The bartender looks indignant, and says, "Juice? Ve haff no Juice here. Ve got rid off zem all longk ago."

22. What is the secret of the Caramilk bar?

A: Armad[Rest illegible under chocolate stains.]

23. Caress the inner truth within you, and describe it. Remember, your grandparents can read your answers.

A: [illegible under bloodstains.]

24. Have the guts: write your deepest desire, the one you most desperately try to pretend does not exist.

A: Nougat.

25. Explain the virtues of bukkake in the form of a poetic epistle.

A: Negative zero is still zero.

26. Explain the last time you cried.

A. Reading the questions on the HAT (Hell Avoidance Test).

27. Explain the last time you didn't cry, but wish you had.

A: Reading the students' answers to the CAT (Culture Avoidance Test).

28. Write the perfect equivalent of a kiss.

A: Been done. Basium XIII (Janus Secundus).

29. Does malt truly do more than Milton can to justify the ways of God to man? Why or why not?

A: No contest. Ever try Milton at room temperature?

and

30. Write a funny and intelligent parody of this examination paper that turns the tables on God. Do this without invoking the age-old joke of the platypus.

A: 1. If a parody of this paper were funny and intelligent, what does that make this paper? 2. You cannot turn the tables on God. Which tables? More to the point, whose? 2. The platypus is God's joke on us. Not invoking it can only spare us embarrassment. Go teach your grandmother to suckle eggs.

THE END

Reeelly?

Submit your examination paper to the attending procters. Feel free to prostrate yourself before them accordingly, but be assured this will do no good.

And remember that the Chinese funeral home opposite the Jewish Cultural Centre in Toronto is called Wing On.