Snubs

James Joyce was accosted by an admirer that asked to 'kiss the hand that wrote Ulysses." Joyce's reply: "You may not. It did other things too."

English poet-dramatist John Dryden often took refuge in his books, which apparently prompted his wife Lady Elizabeth to say, "I wish I were a book, and then I should have more of your company." Dryden, with characteristic wit, replied: "Pray my dear, if you do become a book, let it be an almanack, for then I may change you every year."

An exchange between Charles Lamb and William Wordsworth, one in which Lamb actually got the upper hand. Wordsworth apparently intoned, "I believe I could write like Shakespeare if I had mind to it." "Yes," Sir Charles concurred, "nothing wanting but the mind."

An anonymous acquaintance of Samuel Johnson defended his work by saying, "Well, Doctor, I have to live." Dr Johnson responded: "I do not see the least necessity for that."

This is an old classic, an exchange between Winston Churchill and Bessie Braddock. Braddock encountered Churchill after an extravagant dinner, and uttered with shock, "Winston, you're drunk." Countered Churchill: "And Bessie, you are ugly, but tomorrow morning I shall be sober." Ah, Winston, always endearing yourself to women members of parliament....

Hilaire Belloc was shocked by G. K. Chesterton's refusal to respond publically to George Bernard Shaw's criticisms of him in the press. Chesterton eventually explained: "My dear Belloc, I have answered him. To a man of Shaw's wit, silence is the one unbearable repartee."

Beethoven, pre-deafness, sat in on the performance of a new opera by a young composer. Ludwig's assessment? To the young composer he apparently said, "I like your opera very much. In fact I think I shall set it to music one day."

A young man apparently boasted to John Wilkes Booth, "I was born at mid-day on the first of January. Is that not strange?" Wilkes returned: "Not at all. You could only have been conceived on the first of April."

Some self-righteous ass-wipe apparently told Dorothy Parker that he couldn't bear fools. Parker responded in turn, "How odd. Your mother could, apparently."

Groucho, Groucho, Groucho.... An exceptionally obese woman apparently said in Groucho's presence, "Oh, how I just adore nature!" The poor woman didn't have a chance: "That's loyalty, after what nature has done to you."

A male heckler tried to taunted Agnes Macphail, the Canadian suffragette, shouting, "Don't you wish you were a man?" Macphail answered, "Yes, don't you?"

Ernest Thesiger, the great character actor, was apparently very bored at a party, and took to a room where he discovered an equally bored looking man standing by the fire. Thesiger essayed to introduce himself: "Hello. My name's Ernest. I'm an actor." The young man returned, supposedly quite modestly, "Hello, my name's George. I'm a king."

Katharine Hepburn thought she'd make a preliminary attack on Spencer Tracy: "I'm afraid I'm a little too tall for you, Mr. Tracy." Spence rightly remarked, "Don't worry about that, Miss Hepburn. I'll soon cut you down to size."

Groucho again.... A woman at a party insisted she'd met him before, to which the moustachioed one replied, "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."