A *HUGE* Update today (by my standards, anyway) --- Hilarity abounds....

Titles for Failed Children's Books

You Are Different and That's Bad
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Dad's New Wife Timothy
Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-it Book
The Kids Guide To Hitchhiking
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her {a personal fave}
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
Grandpa Gets a Casket
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
You Were an Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Pop! Goes the Hamster.... And Other Great Microwave Games
The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
Your Nightmares Are Real
Where Would You Like to be Buried?
Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry {Another favourite: Dr. J has a cruel streak today}
101 Things You Should Put up Your Nose and in YourEar
Fighting Solves Everything
Wrong Plus Wrong Equals Right

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Random Links

Dave Barry has a hilarious column about that device responsible for so many, ahem, columns. I personally love this line:

"If you're a parent, there are few experiences more embarrassing than when you report a missing child to the police, and the officer asks you where you last saw little Tiffany, and you have to answer: 'She was entering a giant colon.'"

Indeed, I hate it when that happens...

This image is for Christie who will no doubt enjoy it on two levels. ;-) Same with this one and this one.

I don't know why I find this picture funny, but damn it, I do. Maybe because Dad used to have motorcycles, and I can very much imagine him sporting this shirt.

Similarly, don't ask me how I stumbled on this site, but it *is* funny. It also leads me to think I'm in possession of a top-of-the line model.... ;-) Question, though: if fructose sugar is the chief ingredient, why is it as salty as I'm told it is? Further question: considering how much 'driving' is done manually, isn't a manual ironic? One has to reconsider the meaning of the word 'troubleshooting.'

Now, over the years I've heard some doozy excuses for missing classes, but these take the cake. My personal favourites are #s 10, 12, 16, 18, 31, 47, 81 and 95. The page includes links to tons of other excuses for work, school, and not having sex.

Do you know your Star Wars name? Check this link out if you don't. Apparently, I am Jersh Ham, Pra of Codeine.

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The Top 15 "Star Wars" Euphemisms for Masturbation

Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon
Grooming the Wookie
Making the Kessel Run
Polishing Vader's Helmet
Evacuating Tatooine
Unsheathing the Meatsaber
Releasing the Special Edition
Jumping to Delight Speed
Communicating with Red Leader One
Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo
Tinkering With the R2 Unit
Manually Targeting the Rebel Base
Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears
Test Firing the Death Star

and a few addenda from Dr. J: Mauling the Darth, Obi-Wanking Your Kenobi and Going Hooooo-Pah.

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I had to laugh at this. Apparently, if your name begins with J,

You are blessed with a great deal of physical energy. When used for a good cause there is nothing to stop you, except maybe that they aren't always used for the good. (You could have danced all night.) You respond to the thrill of the chase and the challenge of the mating game. You can carry on great romances in your head. At heart you are a roamer and need to set out on your own every so often. You will carry on long-distance relationships with ease. You are idealistic and need to believe in love. You have a need to be nurtured deep within.

Me sayz nussing. I wonder what the ladies I've been involved with over the years would say about this.... ROFLMAO.... Added note: was told this morning that apparently I am (or was) "fuckable." No one is laughing at this harder more than I am, I assure you. ;-) Alas, the photos that prompted the comment were at least six years old, but it still made me nearly spit rye and Pepsi out my nose. Thanks Wendy, aka the Yodabitionist, who has just done wonders for Australo-Canadian relations.... I feel nurtured deep within. *huge grin*

Remember Deep Thoughts? If not, check this out. Don't read too far down, though; they start hilariously but end up, like SNL itself over the years, increasingly lame and stupid.

Random Quote: "Could you not use two syllable words? You're confusing our American friend." --- Clive Anderson

Another Random Quote: World's Worst TV Show: "And now it's time for another episode of Saliva Darts!" --- Tony Slattery

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Modernhumorist.com has some funny stuff, but I like the situation of poems if written by authors who wrote poems that were anagrams of their names. Here is Eliot, Dickinson and WCWilliams. Here is Shakespeare and Dylan Thomas. And here is Blake, Nash and ee cummings. He he he. Here's one of my own:

Leonard Cohen

Hard Once Lone

I watched her there, peeling oranges
And contemplating doorhinges,
Her face the figure of distraction,
Longing for satisfaction. I could not rise
With that sorrow in her eyes,
I could not corrupt her with my lies
And bring myself between her thighs.
Such is the terror of her perfect zone,
That again I will only be hard once lone.

She twirls her hair, adrift in her peignoir,
Remembering some other faits de gloire,
Remembering the countless names and faces
That traced her graces, that better knew
The tremorous things abler lovers do.
His desire will come when she is gone,
When he does not feel so put upon
To deliver her that sacred moan.
His pleasure his, he will be hard once lone.

Meh. One tries.... RK, If you read this, this is probably my first and only attempt at nonestets. (It should be apparent why.) I couldn't be bothered to go whole hog and try to keep to the rhyme scheme of a Spenserian stanza.

And yes, there does appear to be a recurring theme this morning....

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Some Great Quotes From Famous People

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
--- Robin Williams

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
--- Jay Leno {a rare instance of Leno being funny...}

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
--- Elayne Boosler

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
--- George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
--- Johnny Carson {I miss Johnny sooo much...}

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time!!!!!
--- Robin Williams

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
--- Paul Merton.

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
--- Steve Martin.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
--- George Burns.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
--- Steven Wright. [Brilliant!!! I love Steven Wright's other classic, "I'm studying evolution. It's going REEEEEEEAL SLOOOOOW."}

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
--- Rodney Dangerfield.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.
--- Brendon Francis. {No kidding...}

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
--- George Carlin.

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
--- Charles Schultz.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide - Your absence.
--- Ashleigh Brilliant.

What's another word for Thesaurus?
--- Steven Wright. {For the life of me, I can't think of one...]

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?'
--- Quentin Crisp.

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
--- Bobcat Goldthwait.

Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
--- Alfred Hitchcock.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
--- Peter O'Toole. {I love this one...}

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
--- Garrison Kiellor

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
--- Socrates.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
--- Supermodel Linda Evangelista.

They couldn't hit an elephant from this dist...
---The last words of US General John Sedgwick.

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And a Selection of Bushisms

Dubya always makes me appreciate Jean Chretien....

Taken from The Complete Bushisms compiled by Jacob Weisberg

"It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature.'' Los Angeles, Feb. 23, 2000

"I don't have to accept their tenants. I was trying to convince those college students to accept my tenants. And I reject any labeling me because I happened to go to the university."—Today, Feb. 23, 2000

"I understand small business growth. I was one."—New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000 "The senator has got to understand if he's going to have—he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road."—To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000

"Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I'm really pleased with the organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that worked on my behalf. And I'm very gracious and humbled."—To Cokie Roberts, This Week, Feb. 20, 2000

"I don't want to win? If that were the case why the heck am I on the bus 16 hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?"—Newsweek, Feb. 28, 2000

"I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists."—ibid.

"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."—Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

"How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?"—Explaining the need for educational accountability in Beaufort, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

"We ought to make the pie higher."—South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

"I do not agree with this notion that somehow if I go to try to attract votes and to lead people toward a better tomorrow somehow I get subscribed to some—some doctrine gets subscribed to me."—Meet The Press, Feb. 13, 2000

"I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less—I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm more interacting with people."—ibid

"I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth."—Nashua, N.H., as quoted by Gail Collins in the New York Times, Feb. 1, 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."—Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"—Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve."—Speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H. As quoted in the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."—Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.''—Quoted by Molly Ivins, the San Francisco Chronicle, Jan. 21, 2000 (Thanks to Toni L. Gould.)

"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were," he said. "It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there."—Iowa Western Community College, Jan 21, 2000

"The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who will not stain the house."—Des Moines Register debate, Iowa, Jan. 15, 2000

"This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses."—At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times, Jan. 14, 2000

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."—ibid.

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"—Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"Gov. Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure."—ibid.

"There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There needs to be town-hall meetings. There needs to be travel. This is a huge country."—Larry King Live, Dec. 16, 1999

"I read the newspaper."—In answer to a question about his reading habits, New Hampshire Republican Debate, Dec. 2, 1999

"I think it's important for those of us in a position of responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike. ... I believe we ought to say there is a different alternative than the culture that is proposed by people like Miss Wolf in society. ... And, you know, hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked."—Meet the Press, Nov. 21, 1999

"The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them."—From A Charge To Keep, by George W. Bush, published November 1999

"It is incredibly presumptive for somebody who has not yet earned his party's nomination to start speculating about vice presidents."—Keene, N.H., Oct. 22, 1999, quoted in the New Republic, Nov. 15, 1999

"The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?"—Answering a question about why he hasn't spent more time in New Hampshire, in the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999

"I don't remember debates. I don't think we spent a lot of time debating it. Maybe we did, but I don't remember."—On discussions of the Vietnam War when he was an undergraduate at Yale, Washington Post, July 27, 1999

"The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas."—To a Slovak journalist as quoted by Knight Ridder News Service, June 22, 1999. Bush's meeting was with Janez Drnovsek, the prime minister of Slovenia.

"If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I'm sure I'll have a statement."—Quoted by Maureen Dowd in the New York Times, June 16, 1999

"Keep good relations with the Grecians."—Quoted in the Economist, June 12, 1999

"Kosovians can move back in."—CNN Inside Politics, April 9, 1999

"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then."—From a 1994 interview, as quoted in First Son, by Bill Minutaglio