Drowning By Numbers

      These poll results, from The Globe and Mail, are interesting, and I'm reproducing them here so I can make the occasional clipped or not-so-clipped remark (rendered in italics). The original article can be found here.

1% of Canadian men say driving a good car is more important than having good health. Doh.

2% of advertising and marketing executives offer employment to a job seeker after just one interview; 44 per cent require at least three interviews. Ridiculous. Remember when it used to be easier?

3% of Canadians say their mothers warned them to be wary of the opposite sex; 11 per cent said mom shared tips about keeping a partner satisfied in bed. No matter what, I'm not asking my mother ANYTHING about satisfying a partner, even if I were to succumb to getting involved in yet another ignominy-waiting-to-happen.

4% of men say they would search their partner's wallet or break into their e-mail account to search for signs of infidelity; 7 per cent of women say they would behave that way. 'The handkerchief! The handkerchief!'

5% of Canadians don't ever wear underwear. Ouch. Scrapy-scrapy.

6% of people would like to celebrate Canada Day by having sex on top of a Zamboni. Ewwwwww...A cure for frigidity?

7% of households have five or more pets. They're cheaper by the dozen. ;-)

8% of Canadian teenagers smoke marijuana daily. This sounds low. ~~High anxiety...~~

9% of business leaders believe French proficiency is "essentially worthless" in the corporate world. Dunno 'bout the corporate world. Has been utterly useless in my academic experience, to the point I've almost completely lost my French.

10% of Canadians with the national average household income of $58,000 consider themselves well-off; half of those earning $200,000 believe they are just getting by. The more you have, the more you think you need. Flurking yuppies.

11% of girls 15 to 17 had a major depressive episode in the previous year, compared with just 2 per cent of boys. But were they truly depressive, or were they overreactions?

12% of sexually active Canadians have had an affair with their best friend's partner. Six per cent have had sex with the boss. Not guilty, your honour. At least as of this writing.

13% of women spend more on a Christmas gift for their spouse than for others, whereas 31 per cent of men empty their wallets for their beloved. Only 1 per cent of Canadians spend the most on their father. Telling, isn't it? *tsk tsk*

14% of families live in common-law partnerships, double the 1981 rate. Perhaps because weddings now cost not only the same as the GDP of Rwanda, but they also cost 65% of one's soul when the divorce inevitably happens.

15% of Ontario students say they have driven within an hour of consuming two or more drinks. In 1977, that figure was 58 per cent. Not guilty, your honour. Have been ridden after two or more drink, but haven't driven.

16% of Canadian Muggles say the Harry Potter series of books should be banned from school libraries because they glorify witchcraft. Ignorant fools.

17% of drivers flirt with someone in another car. Not guilty, again, your honour.

18% of Canadians would rather be in the garden than spend intimate time with a spouse. Because plants won't tell you that you don't look at them like you used to.

19% say fatigue plagues them daily while 63 per cent say just an hour's extra sleep would help. The sleepiest Canadians are in British Columbia and the most alert in Quebec. I'd respond to this but I'm just too damned tired.

20% of Canadians are worried that they or someone in their family will lose a job; during the 1993 recession, this figure was 35 per cent. Interesting.

21% of vacationers say their idea of a swell summer vacation is to get in the car and drive; 6 per cent like nothing better than staying at home. I don't remember what a vacation is.

22% of Canadians think cosmetic surgery is a fine way to improve on what nature wrought. Oy vey.

23% of men smoke cigarettes daily, compared with 20 per cent of women. Quebeckers smoke more than other Canadians and British Columbians the least. Guilty, your honour.

24% of men wanted to get power tools this Christmas while 17 per cent of women wanted jewellery. Give me a power tool, and I'll likely insert it into an orifice of the donor.

25% of employees are now classified as "knowledge workers," compared with 14 per cent in 1971. What IS a 'knowledge worker'? Am I one? I have no idea.

26% of Canadians say they would never place their parents in a nursing home. Shameful. Don't we know we should shuffle the elderly away and ignore them forever, like putting a worn-out teddy bear into a closet? ;-) Just kidding.

27% of adults say they are currently dieting or at least trying to lose weight. DEFINITELY Not Guilty.

28% of vacationers say parasailing behind a boat is their idea of a wild and crazy thing to do on holidays; 24 per cent of Quebeckers fantasize about tearing up their return tickets. A wild and crazy thing to do on holidays? Holidays? Holidays? Errr, what are those?

29% of people with a computer and television in the same room visited the website of a program they watched; 11 per cent bought on-line a product featured in a TV show or an advertisement. Okay, I've been to the odd website, but never bought anything. Mind you, I still don't trust exchanging financial info over the web.

30% of Ontarians say they or a family member have had trouble finding a family doctor. He's on the golf course, telling his buddies about that person he fleeced last week for an MRI.

31% of men say they have had sex in a car; only 14 per cent of women admit to this. No comment.

32% of Canadians agree with the statement that "fast-food restaurants offer enough low-fat nutritious choices for children." Oy vey.

33% of employees don't use up all their allotted holiday time. What? Holiday time? What is this poll's obsession with holidays?

34% of Canadians support closing national borders in the event of an infectious-disease epidemic if it's ordered by the World Heath Organization; 27 per cent say they wouldn't wait for the WHO to weigh in. Duh.

35% of adults would rather start the day with a passionate romantic encounter than a hot breakfast but, sadly, 61 per cent think of their stomachs first. This blog gets neither.

36% of people looking to sell their houses want to buy a smaller place. Can't even think about this.

37% of Canadians oppose legalized euthanasia, compared with 49 per cent who support it. The 49 per cent can opt to invoke the notwithstanding clause to euthanise their opposition.

38% of teenaged girls are physically inactive, compared with 24 per cent of boys. Pardon my lethargy...

39% of women say beauty comes from personality while 21 per cent says it's confidence; only 3 per cent cite physical characteristics. Somewhat comforting, though, sadly, most people confuse arrogance with confidence.

40% of women with breast implants have asked to have them removed because of complications. Ah, just like divorce.

41% of twentysomethings still live with their parents, a 20-point increase over 1981. No comment.

42% of Canadians say their houses are well organized. Again, no comment.

43% of Canadians have faked an orgasm; Canadians have sex on average 119 times a year, way behind Hungarians, who led the globe with 152 encounters annually, but well ahead of the under-sexed in Singapore (92 times). Oh, boy, do I miss being average.

44% of Alberta employees remain in contact with work while on vacation by checking telephone or e-mail messages. The national average is 36 per cent. Fools.

45% of Canadian women say the best way to connect with someone is by shaking his or her hand; 41 per cent prefer to hug. Hugs over handshakes any day, at least from women. ;-)

46% of doctors are in an advanced phase of burnout, characterized by emotional exhaustion, cynicism and feelings of ineffectiveness in their work. I will say nothing, I will say nothing...

47% of adults are overweight and 15 per cent are considered obese. Sounds a bit low.

48% of those over the age of 55 say they find advertisements relevant, compared with 64 per cent of people 18 to 24. *Incredulous head shaking*

49% of Canadians who set a budget for Christmas shopping spend more than they intend; 40 per cent of all shoppers expect to start the new year with a balance on their credit cards. Hence my previous Xmas rants, in part anyway...

50% of Canadian companies say they have been defrauded in the past two years. Doh!

51% of male workers eat lunch at their desks, compared with 42 per cent of women. The habit is most evident in British Columbia. What's lunch?

52% of Canadians feel it's acceptable to use pirated computer software; indeed, 40 per cent of business software programs in Canada last year were illegal copies. No comment.

53% of Canadians say they don't feel guilty about taking time out to doing nothing at all; 29 per cent feel shameful about goofing off. Nothing comes from nothing.

54% of Canadians support same-sex marriages. These aren't the numbers I've heard of late, but this blog would like to reaffirm its support for the idea of Erniage.

55% of older Canadians say downloading music from the Internet is theft; 31 per cent of those 12 to 24 share that view. This blog knows a lot of thieves. Scoundrels! ;-)

56% of problem gamblers tried unsuccessfully to shake their addiction to video lottery terminals in the past year; 18 per cent say they considered suicide. At least waste it on alcohol...

57% of Canadian employers have instituted policies to regulate the time their workers spend on the Internet, compared with 33 per cent three years ago. Because this blog knows full well how much time some people will spend surfing...

58% of university graduates in Canada are female, compared with 52 per cent a decade ago. We few, we happy few / We band of brothers...

59% of women say the colour black dominates their wardrobe. Not surprising.

60% of Canadians say they don't have enough fun in their lives. This one certainly doesn't.

61% of beer drinkers say, if stranded on a deserted island, they would want to have beer along more than anything else. Only 3 per cent of the 500 respondents say they would want a woman (one guy specified Rita MacNeil). Beer or a woman... Now THAT's a tough one. Sure, you can't get romantic with a beer, but at least it wouldn't ask you constantly if it looks fat in its glass.

62% of high-school graduates go on to college or university. Too high, way too high. Trust me on this one. Hence the glut of mediocrity.

63% of shoppers try to find out if a product they want to buy is made in Canada. The patriot in me agrees with this. The consumer in me doesn't give a shite.

64% of Ontario women eat at least five servings of fruit or vegetables daily; for men, the figure is 55 per cent. I'm nowhere close on this one.

65% of Canadians sleep either in the nude or in their underwear. No comment.

66% of Canadians receive at least one unwanted gift during the holidays, but a third of those people keep it anyway. Oh yes.

67% of Canadians feel guilty about calling in sick no matter how ill they feel. Haven't called in sick in some time. But always did feel guilty when I did. How Protestant.

68% of Canadian companies say they don't offer Christmas bonuses and that any extra pay is tied to performance. My employer doesn't do squat for Christmas. Not even a polite thank you.

69% of Ontarians believe that "some French" should be mandatory in elementary and high school, compared with 54 per cent of western Canadians. I do think some should be mandatory, that way people can know what it's like to have something and then lose it, much like their virginities.

70% of Canadians support the proposal for a national identification card with fingerprinting or eye-scanning. Meh.

71% of men say they are sexually active, compared with 53 per cent of women. Always on active duty, but all too often on sentry duty.

72% of employees say they would rather get bonus money than have their boss throw a Christmas party. Of course.

73% of executives say they are more focused when interviewing job applicants in the first hours of the day. The chances of getting hired in the afternoon are slim -- only 4 per cent favoured the 3-to-5 p.m. slot. Last interview I had was in the afternoon, and I got that job, rather surprisingly.

74% of Albertans believe they are in very good health, compared with 59 per cent of Atlantic Canadians. It's all in the beef.

75% of married Canadians consider their spouse their best friend; 41 per cent admit, however, to keeping secrets from them. Should be that way.

76% of Canadians have skinny-dipped at some point and only 3 per cent say they did it alone. Kinda. The water was freakin' COOOOOOOLD....

77% of Canadians say they avoid pirated software because it might damage their computers. Oh, I long for the days when computer security was only a concern for companies. Thank ye, Monsieur Gates.

78% of drivers say they would stop and help another driver stuck in snow or ice. Not a driver, but yes, I'd more than likely help were I one.

79% of Canadians believe money is being laundered in this country to finance terrorist activities abroad. But of course... But they only get 75 cents for their dollar, all in coins.

80% of Ontario school boards have placed video-surveillance cameras in schools. Big Brother Is Watching You!

81% of Canadians believe in God, but only 47 per cent think it's important to belong to a religious group. This agnostic doesn't know what to believe.

82% of drivers belt out songs in their cars. Again, not a driver, and not much of a singer. I consider it a public duty to keep myself from committing the crime against humanity that is me singing.

83% of British Columbians say they have "enough" fun in their lives; 93 per cent believe that having fun will lead to a healthy, successful life. This blog doesn't have anywhere near enough fun. At least not recently. Mine is a most humourous melancholy.

84% of Canadians correctly identified unsafe sex practices as a prime method of HIV transmission; 6 per cent cited kissing and 2 per cent mosquito bites. Again, oy vey.

85% of pet owners believe their pet shows concern when they are sick. Mine do. Or did.

86% of Canadians prefer a pen or pencil to a laptop or other electronic note-taking device. Newtons are stupid. And this blog prefers the old Columbo approach.

87% of gays, lesbians and bisexuals have used on-line personal advertisements. This straight person has nothing to advertise. This blog is more 'garage sale' material.

88% of Canadians are happy in their current jobs, although one in 10 employees hates the boss. Getting ahead by sucking up to the boss was considered unsuitable by 78 per cent. I don't suck up. I hate my employer, but generally like my job. The people I usually work under, though, are quite good.

89% of Canadians believe that their country provides a better quality of life than the United States does. Yes.

90% of Canadians say their chief financial goal is to pay down debt. Yes.

91% of Canadians say they trust pharmacists while only 9 per cent trust national politicians. No comment.

92% of women 35 to 49 years old agree with the statement that they are "happy with who you are inside and out." But what about men?

93% of adults want compulsory physical education in schools, and 61 per cent said junk food should be banned from schools. Of course, 16 per cent of these parents don't worry much about their own personal health and eat and drink whatever they want. Oh, how I used to hate gym class...

94% of barbecue owners cooked hamburgers last summer, compared with 2 per cent who slapped artichokes on the grill. Artichokes?!?!? How healthy.... Ew.

95% of Canadians feel safe in their homes at night, but half the population believes there are too few police patrolling their neighbourhoods. So they can have safe sex?

96% of schoolchildren have used a computer. Students in rural areas were more likely to use them at school while urban kids used them at home. Oh, I remember the days before computers. Seems so long ago...

97% of people say they plan to retire by the age of 65. I'll likely be working long after I'm in the ground.

98% of recent immigrants did not apply to emigrate to any other country than Canada; 91 per cent intend to settle permanently in this country. Canada: The World's Second Choice!

99% of lawyers have Internet capabilities in their offices. (Polls haven't determined whether the remaining 1 per cent have moved beyond quill pens.) This blog suspects it's mostly used to chat online with overweight men pretending to be sixteen year-old girls.

100% of questions not asked by pollsters aren't answered Oh, a stab at wit. Sorry, you missed the chest.

Oy, vox populi.