24 August 2005

Learning It At The Movies

      After reading this bit on lessons learned from the movies, of course the Not-So-Good Doctor had to take his few stabs at naming some of the many, many things he has learned from his years as a cinephile.

  • Always, always, always begin with a few Latin terms. (Dangerous Liasons)
  • Some cocks are special.     (Chicken Run)
  • Doing the right thing means you lose the girl-- and get stuck with the lecherous French guy.   (Casablanca)
  • If you're going to get to journey through the jungle with a bevy of Burmese lasses, accept that you are Going To Die. (The Bridge On The River Kwai)
  • Be careful what you do and where you change: there's always an old man lurking behind the curtains. (The Wizard of Oz and any old version of Hamlet)
  • Never, ever, ever talk about Marshall McLuhan. Especially in a movie queue. (Annie Hall)
  • Solitaire is bad for you, and so's your mother. (The Manchurian Candidate)
  • There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. (The Princess Bride)
  • Sometimes, that sticky stuff on your hands IS useful! (Spider-Man)  
  • But sometimes, it's just plain humiliating. (American Pie 2)
  • And it might just get you killed, so be careful who you hurl it at. (The Silence of the Lambs)
  • Astonishing bad taste will be astonishingly successful. But success usually means disaster. (The Producers)
  • Having a kid will, in fact, end the world as you know it. (Rosemary's Baby)
  • Don't try to shtup Lynn Redgrave. Just don't. (Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex....)
  • When in the process of divorce, it ain't over until the chandelier falls. (The War of the Roses)
  • It's generally a good idea to have what Meg Ryan is having (unless it's Russell Crowe). (When Harry Met Sally)
  • Just because you feel lucky, doesn't mean you are. (Magnum Force)
  • Sometimes, you just have to jump off a cliff, especially if your best friend tells you to. (Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid)
  • Size matters not. (The Empire Strikes Back)
  • Er, well, actually, it does. (King Kong, The Fly, Boogie Nights....)
  • Taco Bell is our future. (Demolition Man)
  • There really is nothing like a good scouring, is there? (The Passion of the Christ)
  • Your penis is not a good place to hang your bowling ball. Ever. (Screwballs)
  • All doors in Toronto are unlocked, so if you're broke.... (Fahrenheit 911)
  • Guys named Jeremy make very, er, effective gynecologists. Maybe too effective. (Dead Ringers)
  • You can always eat the script-girl later. (Shadow of the Vampire)
  • The mace you think that schoolgirl in the kilt has may not be the mace you're thinking of. (Kill Bill Vol. 1)
  • The surprises in some packages may scar you for life. (The Crying Game)
  • Women seriously do not like long fingernails on a guy, even if he's the man of their dreams. (Nightmare on Elm Street)
  • When shit happens, it really happens. (Not Another Teen Movie)
  • There are, in fact, thirteen ways of looking at a blackbird. (The Maltese Falcon)
  • Four little words: Love what you do. (American Gigolo)
  • Village folk will do anything you want, so long as you ask them to do it for Randolph Scott. (Blazing Saddles)
  • Shakespeare is better in the original Klingon. (Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country)
  • Sharing isn't always a virtue. (Strangers on a Train)
  • You are, as a matter of fact, what you eat. (Cannibal Girls, Eating Raoul, Titus...)
  • The babysitter is hot for you, after all. Yippee! (The King and I, The Hand That Rocks The Cradle....)
  • Love means never having to say you're sorry. (Old Yeller)
  • Remember to keep a stick of butter handy. (Last Tango In Paris)
  • Don't just lie there when two guys try to put you into bizarre positions. (Weekend at Bernie's)
  • There's nothing, absolutely nothing, quite like planting it Good and Hard. (The Sands of Iwo Jima)
And last, but not least:

  • We're ALL fucking Spartacus. (Spartacus)
Actually, I could probably go on forever with this. (I probably already have.)

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