Well, yes, it has taken a while, but it's finally here: the third, and probably final, edition of the Heaven Admittance Test. Ready to put yourself to the test? You can initiate the turning of the paper by clicking here.
HAT: The Heaven Admissions Test:
You must answer at least TEN of the following questions.
Read this examination paper in its entirety before answering. You are reminded that you have three hours to complete this examination, and that this is your only opportunity to sit this examination, so answer carefully and accurately. Good luck.
1. In his Essay on Criticism, Alexander Pope once famously opined, "Good nature and good sense must ever join; / To err is human; to forgive, divine." Prove, coherently and indubitably, that these lines are absolute bollocks, and so should never, ever, be uttered again. Use your answer to discern how you should be feeling now about any expectation of leniency on the part of your examiner.
2. Demonstrate that the Antichrist is, in fact, Bill Gates. Do so without using the words "Internet" and/or "Explorer."
3. "My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war. Destruction upon destruction is cried; for the whole land is spoiled: suddenly are my tents spoiled and my curtains in a moment." (Jeremiah 5:19-20) Discuss in relation to each of the following:
(a) the history of warfare;
(b) the cleanliness of Hippie communes in the 1960s;
(c) the music of Dizzy Gillespie;
(d) the hodiernal wisdom of Tony Blair;
(e) a Thomist view of the cultural value of German scat films; and
4. Identify your fifty favourite papal encyclicals-- not bulls-- of the past six-hundred years, and provide brief summaries for each. Use your list to speculate upon which Popes got into heaven and which did not.
5. How many gunshots in the face will it actually take to kill off 50 Cent once and for all? (Answers will be allowed a +/- 10 margin of error.) Once you have figured that out, explain how what you were just thinking about was NOT sinful.
6. In Answer To Job, Carl Jung famously suggested that Job, and not God, was the winner of their so-called debate. Imagine and describe, as best as you can, God's response to Jung when his time was finally up-- and what Nietzsche was doing laughing his Teutonic arse off in the background.
7. Is there sin in heaven? Why or why not? How disappointing will heaven be if there is? How much more disappointing will it be if there is not?
8. What is the best euphemism for "euphemism?"
9. Why did God make the sexual and procreative processes so darned messy? (Gentlemen, especially, should be VERY cautious in how they answer this one.)
10. Prove that it is, in fact, possible to be deeply, passionately, and eternally in love with a bumblebee. Explain how in many ways it may be preferable to the alternatives.
11. Explain the fundamental relationship between quantum physics and the poetry of Ogden Nash.
12. Justify either Pauly Shore OR Australia. (We assure you, the answers for each are the same.)
13. Lick the threnody nearest to you, and explain precisely what death tastes like. Answers including the word "chicken" will be immediately disqualified.
14. Provide the first comprehensive history of the human anus, from australopithecus anamensis to homo sapiens. Concord your chronicle, as much as possible, with Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time.
15. Ask yourself: do you really (really, really) think that answering any number of questions on a test like this will actually make up for what you have done in your lifetime, including that incident involving the dwarf, Bill Clinton and the bagpipes? (Yes, we have mercifully left out that part about the corpse of Wallace Stevens.) If so, explain how that experience helped you to better understand the word "fulcrum."
16. Calculate justice. Be aware that CPAs, the few of whom that made that cut, are standing on-guard for thee.
17. Sit through-- consecutively and without interruption-- five Demi Moore films in which she remains entirely clothed. Surmise how this (admittedly torturous) experience might help you to understand better the historical significance of Girolamo Savonarola. And, please, avoid any jokes about Ms. Moore being (repeatedly and repeatedly) de-Florentined.
18. Make jaundice cool, once and for all. Do so without puking, Jackson Pollack-like, all over your examination paper.
19. Logicalize desire. Do so without mentioning "pheromones" or "ultimate misery."
20. Discuss as much as possible the value of Samuel Johnson's Johnson. Suggest reasons why Boswell significantly disregarded this historically-crucial information.
21. God, looking at his modern morass and in need of a copywriter, decides he needs another ten commandments. Write them, exactly, to His approval.
22. God goes to see a performance of Inherit The Wind. Explain his reactions.
23. Does He does or does He not object to the word "cunt?" Determine, with proof.
24. Are you really that sure He is a He? Elucidate, profoundly.
25. Sing, with his exact ferocity, the scope of human history in the voice of Ray Charles-- or, Maurice Chevalier.
26. Accessorize the capacities of human love in terms of a raspberry-skyed glory in an overcast world. Then, succour your metaphors.
27. Understand the ever-adorable Leeloo. (Be glad, this is supposed to be an easy exam: if asked the same of Doc J's Jenny or Trouble, you'd be utterly beyond acceptable answer.)
28. Write your own epitaph as an Emily Dickinson poem. If it in any way sing-songs with "The Yellow Rose Of Texas," you can guarantee yourself a place in Hell.
29. Gather, finally and perfectly, the genius of frogs, and abate yourself to this wisdom. Do so without any cheesy jokes about the French or the Quebecois.
30. Summarize, in one word or less, why you deserve eternal life, and then explain why your answer justifies irony.
BONUS: "Lift not up your horn on high: speak not with a stiff neck" (Psalm 75:5). Fashion from this the best understanding of fellatio you can provide.
FOLLOW-UP: Well, it seems the response to this year's HAT has been pretty tepid, though I admit this year's exam lacks something the previous versions did. (My apologies: I just was not particularly into it this year, which accounts for it also being the last edition.) Anyway, those few of you that are considering sending answers can do so by email sometime in the next week, and I will post them here with relative dispatch, along with my own answers. Then we'll bury this idea once and for all.