07 August 2004

Now Watch This Drive

      Screw Dubya, screw Tiger Woods: this, my friends, is just profoundly cool, the story of Andre Tolme who just finished golfing across the width of Mongolia.   Make sure you check out the scorecard; looks like he did bloody terrific on the third "hole."


      You've got to love the panache about it all, to say nothing of the audacity.   Some of the photos of the steppe are nothing less than gorgeous.   Tolme's supposed to have a book about the experience coming out soon, focussing mostly on the country itself, a country of which most of us know very, very little indeed.   Now that's an extreme sport.   And, no doubt, a genuine adventure.

      Check out, by the way, some of the details and descriptions of Mongolian life and culture, courtesy of the Mongolian Tourism Board.   There's something absolutely fascinating, or so thinks this blog at least, about a culture so very removed from, and perhaps innoculated against, Westernization.   It's one of the places I'd like to visit eventually in my lifetime, but almost certainly without the golf clubs.   And just look at that sky....

See other images from Tolme's trip through Mongolia

06 August 2004

Disgust Discussed

      You all know that this blog simply had, HAD, HAD, to link to an article that begins with the following question: "What, precisely, is so bad about sex between adult siblings, bestiality, and the eating of corpses?" The answers, of course, are quite fascinating.   And for the morbid among you: no, there are no pretty pictures.   Favourite quote, though ripped entirely from context: "love can have a similar effect." Tee-hee-hee....

Thank God It's Fryeday

Benedictus? Benny never touched us!

(Sorry-- an old joke.)

      Wound up quoting Northrop Frye in an email this morning, a wonderful passage from the end of his last volume The Double Vision, and this of course led me to rediscover some of the book's other nuggets of gold, one of which is the following, a clever bit on St. Augustine:

      We may talk about a beginning and en end to time, but we cannot realize such things in our imaginations.   Whether we speak of a creation by God which began time (that is, our experience of time) or of a big bang many billions of years ago, the human mind cannot help thinking that there must have been time 'before' that.   St. Augustine was bothered by this question, which he raises several times, notably in a famous passage in the Confessions, where in effect he answers the question, 'What was God doing before creation?' by saying, 'Preparing a hell for those who ask such a question.'  If we were to guess at the repressed elements in the saint's mind when he wrote this, they might well have run something like this: If you ask God what happened before time, you embarrass God, who probably doesn't know either, and as God hates to be embarrassed, you are risking a good deal by asking.
It's easy to forget what a deft wit Frye at his best could be, and how gifted he was as a prose stylist for the Casual Age.   He surely has a poet's visionary sensibility if not his metrical impulses, and while that puts many of Frye's readers, I tend to react quite differently; in fact, to be a true critic of literature, one has to share at least some of the creative impulses of that which you study.   From the same volume comes this passage, which I quoted this morning, and which surely has the fingerprints of Herakleitos, John Donne, Wallace Stevens, and William Blake (among others) all over it:

The omnipresence of time gives some strange distortions to our double vision. We are born on a certain date, live a continuous identity until death on another date; then we move into an 'after'-life or 'next' world where something like an ego survives indefinitely in something like a time and place. But we are not continuous identities; we have had many identities, as babies, as boys and girls, and so on through life, and when we pass through or 'outgrow' these identities they return to their source. Assuming, that is, some law of conservation in the spiritual as well as the physical world exists. There is nothing so unique about death as such, where we may be too distracted by illness or sunk in senility to have much identity at all. In the double vision of a spiritual and a physical world simultaneously present, every moment we have lived through we have also died into another order. Our life in the resurrection, then, is already here, and waiting to be recognized.
And it's as curiously modern an articulation of an ancient concept as I've read in some time, and it provides a particular kind of comfort, at least intellectually, that might not come so easily from more historically-distant texts.   If there is a God-- and that's a might big "if"-- it only stands to reason that the orchestrator of a world so infinitely complex and self-informing would implant a natural process of spiritual conservation whereby nothing is finally completely lost but merely, like energy, shifted as necessary.   But the turn on the word "conservation," reverberating against our modern notions of ecological necessity, modifies the context, recalculates it, imports it.   It's a handy quote to keep around when one is daunted by questions of change and death-- and it's a handy reminder of the beauty even a critic can create.

Ask Not What You Can Do To Your Country....

      The Dubster, aka "He Who Summons Language," has done it again, declaring in a signing ceremony on Thursday:

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
You can find the quote in a solid article today by Bob Herbert in the NY Times that's worth reading.   Alright, Mr. President, we know you don't like scrutineers-- vote counters, columnists, anyone who dares challenge your estimeration of things-- but please, oh please, hire yourself a few proofreaders.   If any other president had said that he never stops thinking about ways to harm his country and his people, he'd be brought up on charges of being a mad treasonist. (And, somewhere in The Great Ether, Woodrow Wilson is sitting with his mouth agape.)

      In the interim, this blog would like to send a karmic apology to Dan Quayle for every unkind thing that it has ever been said about him. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa....

From The "Doctor J, Keep Your Goll-Darned Mouth Shut" File....

      This blog ain't gonna say it....          (M'row....)

From The "You'll Regret That When You're Older" File....

      But trust us on the sunscreen-- all seventeen-and-a-half tonnes of it.

Stand By Your Man

      "Er, that's not what you think it is...."

      Love, after all, means never having to say you're sorry for spreading gooey substances all over one another.

Old Men Have Been Exploring

      RK, after a series of adventures about the continent, has updated his blog with some lovely photographs of the Hofgarten, the Starnbergersee, and Holland, among other places.   This blog thinks Basle looks especially charming, but it has to remark upon one thing, that the skies in the photographs are so clear and so blue.   I'm intensely jealous.   The skies of Southern Ontario are always so drab, so pallid-- except when they're so stark they seem to belong in King Lear.   *sigh*  

What A Wonderful Word It Would Be, Sha La La La La....

      This blog has to wonder if they'd censor *$!@^@&#, too.... Hey, how'd that happen? That was worth 55 points, damn it!   All right, cunning linguists of the world, unite!   We have nothing to lose but our {BLEEEEP}s!

      And speaking of labiae.... Be afraid, be very, very afraid....

      UPDATE: Curiouser and curiouser:   The CD drive on my computer is so sensitive that it keeps snapping and trying to take my fingers off.   How appropriate.  

      ~~Sha la la la la la la la, history ....~~

All The News That's Fit To....

      From today's The Hamilton Spectator comes this, one of the most "duh"-inducing headlines of recent times:

Bathhouse offers a haven for gay sex
Owner says fear of discovery will force men back to dangerous city parks
P'Shaw! Who would ever have imagined that?    Oy.    Somehow, this is supposed to be front-page, top-level news. I'm sure the BBC is just quaking at the thought of this sort of competition.   

      In other news of Truly Significant Import....

05 August 2004

Do The Right Thing

      Further proof that John McCain is the man the Republicans should have nominated four years ago. This sentence, though, suggests why he would never have been:

Later, McCain said the Bush campaign has denied any involvement and added, "I can't believe the president would pull such a cheap stunt."
All considered, it seems Senator McCain has a canine's loyalty-- a noble thing, and I think to an extent he genuinely believes what he's saying, which makes it even more tragic-- that keeps him believing better of people than he should, even after they've treated him so shabbily.

Fire In The Hole

      Mister Sisqo, you have a new mission.  (This blog is wrestling with the words "starter hole," with the word "starter" having way too many disturbing implications, not least of which involves the idea of ignition.)

The Endeles Knot-- Not

      After Britney, it looks like Little-Miss-Divas have to demonstrate their seriousness about marriage.   To which this blog has a mere one word answer: Right.   Or, alternately: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!  

      Key quote: "This has got to be it, because I don't see myself with anyone else."   Oh, stop, my sides are hurting....

      In a (perhaps?) related vein, this blog received an email asking "How misogynist are you?"   Whoa.   I don't know.   I think I hate all people equally....

Terms Of Endorsement

      Apparently, the Bushies don't just want you to vote them, they want you to swear an oath of fealty to them. But, as one might suspect of the Bushies, they had a little problem with the language:

An endorsement form provided to the Journal by Random says: "I, (full name) ... do herby (sic) endorse George W. Bush for reelection of the United States." It later adds that, "In signing the above endorsement you are consenting to use and release of your name by Bush-Cheney as an endorser of President Bush."
Damn ye, vile grammar!!!! Those word thingies are just so damned complimahcated!!!!   (No word, however, on whether or not signatories will be forced to face ordeals or gauntlet challenges.)

And Yet I Would Not Be Thee, Nuncle

      Alas, I think I've finally found my calling.   Perhaps this should be the first subject of attack?

Hey, That's No Way To Say Goodbye

      Simply put: anyone that dares to try to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" at my effing funeral will find themselves in a haunting so intense it would make the Amityville Horror seem like a Noël Coward play.  

      On the subject of funerals:   when I die, I decided long ago, I want to have the sort of quirky funeral that will disarm everyone.   During the showing, I want Van Morrison's "Real Real Gone" and Sly and the Family Stone's "I Want To Take You Higher" playing in the background; when it's time to seal up the casket, it's got to be Leonard Cohen's "Closing Time."   For the removal of the casket: Billy Ocean's, "Get Out Of My Dreams, Get Into My Car." Maybe for the interment, Peter Gabriel's "Digging In The Dirt." And I want a wake at which everyone gets so badly bombed that the people of Dresden would look on them with pity.   Any children in attendance will be required to bring water-guns, and one ordained young lad will be charged with the task of Saran-Wrapping the ladies' toilet seat.   (I'd suggest the mens', too, but we know how few of the attendees would actually hit the mark.)   The service will be allowed one moment of somberness-- to then be appropriately broken by the congregation rising to their feet and shouting the word "Norm!" in unison.   I want an ashtray placed in my hands so I can do people a favour as I'm leaving, and so everyone can giggle when the minister says that line about "ashes to ashes, dust to dust." I'm still trying to figure out a way to incorporate a dance number involving Ray Charles' "(Let Me See You) Shake Your Tailfeather."   In short, I want a ceremony that would make Waugh's Mr. Joyboy retract his gaze in embarrassment, a ceremony, in fact, that would keep everyone liquored, laughing, and lewd, with twisted little ironies popping up like dandelions on a summer lawn. That's the way to do it.   No stiff sermons, no pious platitudes about what life means, no forced expressions of meaning or farewell or the like.   I want a funeral so impish that everyone will think I'm still there, Pucking with their heads. That way the Doctor can leave the building in peace while everyone is distracted by the panoply of tricks until some poor schmuck puts it all together as the words "Kobayashi, Kobayashi, Kobayashi" start hallowing in his head.   And like that, he's gone.   Perfect.

How's It Hangin'?

      You know it's bad when people are putting their van Dycks against the wall.   Key quote: "'These are fascinating things to see from behind,' he said."   Oh. Sure....

Stripping At Home

      This blog doesn't even know want to think about this.  Key sentence: "He said the cow was his meal ticket for weeks to come, as he cut off a strip and cooked it every time he was hungry." Oh. My. Gawd.....

Encyclopedia Eugenica

      Just when you thought the Republicans couldn't look any more like frightening intellectual backwaters, along comes a guy (who, theoretically, could still win the nomination for Governor of Tennessee) that embarrasses even the Republicans.   Unbelievable.  

      See also this piece, which should set off all of your cynicism-sensors.  Hmmm.... And, gee, we haven't heard anything more about the Valerie Plame leak, either, have we? Shameless.

Gone Phishing

      Ah, this blog longs for the days when a good scam required Scott Joplin music in the background....